


monster, me

by frak-all (or_ryn)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack Treated Seriously-ish, Cuddling & Snuggling, Embedded Images, Embedded Video, Epistolary, Explicit Sexual Content, Explicit hand-holding, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Inspired by Frankenstein, Loss of Virginity, Mitaka the Cat, Monster Ben Solo, Monsterfucking, Multimedia, Mystery, Not Spooky Horror, Oral Sex, Past Abuse, Past Scientific Abuse, Porn with Feelings, Post-Coital Cuddling, Scars, Size Kink, Text Fic+, The Softest Monsterboy Around, Touch-Starved, Virgin Ben Solo, body image issues, jesus christ they're desperately in love, mild body horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:28:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25340899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/or_ryn/pseuds/frak-all
Summary: Struggling filmmaker Rey Johnson gets a random text message from someone she’s positive is a spammer. A spammer, or maybe a bot. Definitely not a normal human person, in any case.And... well.She’s at least right about that.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 285
Kudos: 821





	1. +1 (743) 555-0178

**Author's Note:**

> _monster, me_ is a messy little text/multimedia fic I've been writing [on Twitter](https://twitter.com/AllFrak/status/1274743040020750337?s=20). 
> 
> I debated whether or not to add the fic here in its entirety or just the porn, but ultimately I trust AO3 as an archive a hell of a lot more than Twitter, so I decided to bite the bullet and upload everything. The text messages are coded in HTML, so they should be easier to read than the image screenshots. Essentially, yes, I _did_ spend way too much time on this, thanks for asking. 
> 
> If you're coming here from AO3 as this is being updated, you can wait for the twice-ish daily updates or pop over to Twitter to catch up. 
> 
> If you're coming here from Twitter, you probs just want chapter 7, which may or may not be posted yet. 
> 
> If you download this fic or read it off-site, then the formatting is gonna be wonky as hell. I wouldn't recommend it at all, but you're the one making the choices here. Do what you want. 
> 
> Let's start the show 👻

**1.**

_Please understand I never planned for this to happen. If, perhaps, things were different, if people were different, if I were different—_

  
  


**2.**

A place and digital space in 2019.

  
  
  
  


**3.**

An exchange of sorts takes place. Shouting, writing into the void.

  
  
  
  


**4.**

We jump back two years in order to fast-forward one. 

And here, we meet Rey. 

Rey's likes: watching films, making films, thinking about films.

Rey's dislikes: Jakku, Nevada and social media.

  


  


  


**5.**

Rey does the Instagram thing anyway. 

Sort of. 

Reluctantly. 

She's not sure how she feels about it, especially just now, when she's low on sleep and pushing against a deadline. But the trailer for her latest project, at least, is UP.

  


  
  
  


**6.**

She blames her lack of sleep for what comes next. 

A text. An unthinking response. 

And then the floodgates are open. 

## 721-645

721-645
    Verizon Msg: Your phone is now eligible for free spam protection. Verizon Call Filter detects spam and blocks high-risk spam calls by forwarding to voicemail. Get details and more block options in the app [myverizon.veriz0n.app/CallFilter](https://twitter.com/AllFrak). To review Call Filter app permissions, go to device Settings. To opt in, reply YES.

Rey
    yes

    WAIT
    fuck
    goddamnit FUCK

  
  


  


## +1 (702) 555-0331

+1 (702) 555-0331
    Need some INSTANT - CA$H right now? Get up to $1000!$ - TODAY! Reply YES for further info, or NO for -UNSUBSCRIBE-

  
  


  
  


**7.**

The spammers know her phone number is active now, and the texts just. Don't. Stop. 

(But, hey—at least she's getting texts at all.)

## +1 (743) 555-0178

+1 (743) 555-0178
    Hello. Are you available? If you get this, please, I need your assistance urgently.

  
  


  


## +1 (702) 555-0441

    My timeshare people are going to call you from a Florida number and off your a vacation, it's not a scam. 

  
  


  
  


  
  


**8.**

It's kind of funny, it kind of makes her want to cry, and she can't just keep it to herself. 

## Finn Storm ⚡

    

**Delivered**

    Look at this next level meta hell bullshit!! Look at it!
    If I wasn't so pissed I fell for it, I'd almost be impressed

    Jesus
    Maybe it's fine though?? Like, you didn't click the link or anything did you?

    veriz0n?? It's clearly phishing! Subtle phishing, but phishing
    They found out my number is active, & my spam texts have gone up EXPONENTIALLY
    someone "needs my help"
     another "person" wants to offer me a "timeshare"
    and to top it all off, look at this
    
    Do you know how much I need an extra $1000??
    😫😤😭😡😭😭😭

    😢
    I'm sorry, 🥜
    Have you been sleeping?

    ...

    Have you finished your edit?

    ...

    Well, you've got this. You're one of the most talented filmmakers I know

    🥺🥺🥺🥺

    Drinks soon?

    Yes please 😔

  
  


**9.**

The deadline she's pushing up against is for a screening. One she's wanted to put on for a long time. And now that Finn has introduced her to Rose and their friend Poe, she decides to go for it. 

It's just—a lot of work.

  
  
  
  


**10.**

More work than she anticipates, really. 

## 👻 spooky scary 📽

Rey
    

**Delivered**

    Sorry for the wait, everyone
    Here's the flyer! What do you think? I know it's not the best, but it's the only template on Canva I didn't hate

Rose Tico
    LOVE IT!! It's beautiful!!
    But... you know this means we'll have to use color printing, right?

Rey
    Shit
    Fuck

Finn Storm ⚡
    It's okay, peanut. I can make one for you real quick

Rey
    No, no
    I said I'd organize this thing, so I'm going to organize this thing
    I'll do it
    Just give me a sec. My gallery shift is nearly over

Rose Tico
    You're allowed to delegate, you know

Rey
    🙃

Rose Tico
    Alright, girl, you do you. But we can at least use this for the evite. I'll send it out?

  
  


**11.**

Serves her right for trying to go the Canva route. 

As she flits between Photoshop and Illustrator, dodging her boss and trying not to cry, her phone buzzes twice in a row.

## +1 (743) 555-0178

+1 (743) 555-0178
    Hello. Are you available? If you get this, please, I need your assistance urgently.

####  **September 27** , 9:07 PM

+1 (743) 555-0178
    Hello?
    Hello?
    Please. Are you there?

  
  


  


## +1 (721) 555-6969

+1 (721) 555-6969
    LISTEN UP stop wasting money$ buying drinks for her [91na.me/IQjde65cub](https://twitter.com/AllFrak). Learn to be the man! Check out this video now

  
  


  
  


**12.**

She should probably start blocking those spam numbers, but who has the time? 

After longer than she cares to admit, she finishes the flyer and sends it off.

## 👻 spooky scary 📽

Rey
    OKAY
    OKAY, I'M DONE
    and i actually like this one more
    

**Delivered**

    what do you think??

  
  
  
  


**13.**

She's nervous about their reactions, but they come in fast. 

A yes.

A yes. 

And a... Poe.

## 👻 spooky scary 📽

Finn Storm ⚡
    LOVE IT!!!!
    👻
    SPOOKY SCARY

Rose Tico
    It really does look so good!! 😍

Poe Dameron
    I like it
    But.....could you add a little texture? It reads.....flat
    Or.....maybe......do a white background instead......it's going to use a lot of ink as is......

  
  


**14.**

Rey wants to make friends, Rey wants to make friends, Rey wants to make friends—

## Finn Storm ⚡

    

**Delivered**

    Are
    Is he serious???

    🤦🏿

    I could scream

    I think he just gets carried away sometimes, he's used to director mode 24/7
\ 

    And the rest of us aren't??

  


## 👻 spooky scary 📽

Finn Storm ⚡
    I think it looks good!!

Rose Tico
    so good!!
    and Poe those elipses make you sound like a 50 y/o mom

Poe Dameron
    Just my opinion..............trying to give a little concrit...............
    Are those elipses better? 💕

Rose Tico
    Bite me 🥰😘

Rey
    Hold on I made some adjustments, let me send

  
  


**15.**

She wants to make friends, yes.

But at what cost?

  
  
  
  


**16.**

She didn't gain any ground with Poe, but they did settle on a flyer.

Life moves on. The texts keep coming.

## Finn Storm ⚡

Rey
    The spam bots don't quit! Look at today's haul:
    
    

**Delivered**

    We've also graduated to actual porn images, but I won't send those

Finn Storm ⚡
    The bots are hitting everyone, baby
    Block, delete, move on :( 

Rey
    :(
    Is it sad that a part of me almost looks forward to getting them? No one else is texting me

Finn Storm ⚡
    Oh Rey :( 
    Screening soon!! 
    We will hug & drink & celebrate!! You've been working so hard!!

Rey
    And I'm sure all of 4 ppl will come

Finn Storm ⚡
    Rey. No! Enough of the negative self-talk. We will not allow it!!
    It's going to be life-changing whether you believe it or not

  
  


**17.**

Rey finishes her edit just in time. Working with 16mm film is tricky, not to mention expensive, but there's something _real_ about film that she loves. Something alive.

  
  
  
  


**18.**

October 1st arrives, and the screening goes off without a hitch. 

Okay, that's a lie. And a bad one at that. There were and are multiple hitches. 

But holy, _holy_ shit, people came!

  
  
  
  
  


**19.**

Rey isn't the best with _Instagram_ , so needless to say Snapchat is a challenge. 

She only really has it on her phone for Finn. And, because of Finn, she gets the next two notifications.

(She likes Rose. Why does she hardly ever get to spend time with Rose?)

  
  
  
  
  


**20.**

The projector is packed. The sound system is accounted for. She's currently looping one of the extension cords around the length of her forearm, when her phone buzzes in her back pocket.

The screening is over, but the group chat lives.

## 👻 spooky scary 📽

Poe Dameron
    "No person chooses evil because it's evil; they only mistake it for good, the happiness they seek."
    Damn, Rey
    Really?
    Everyone else was all "hand hook car door"
    And you're over her spouting this making the rest of us look bad lol

Rey
    I
    it wasn't about trying to make you look bad, Poe
    I was just responding to the question with an honest answer

Poe Dameron
    It was a compliment!
    Promise!
    It was a good answer!!!
    Your answer about the "innate entanglement" of horror and empathy or some shit was good too
    I'm jealous of your brain 😂😂

Finn Storm ⚡
    What Poe's trying to say is:
    We miss you!!
    Come drink with us!!!!

**21.**

She'll get there.

She'll go.

She'll catch up with her friends. (She could really, really use a drink.)

## 👻 spooky scary 📽

Rey
    Thanks. Sorry.
    Today's been a weird one.
    I feel a little like I'm going to crawl out of my skin. I always do after screenings

Finn Storm ⚡
    ❤️ I get that

Rose Tico
    Totally! Screenings are emotional as hell

Rey
    And then the thing with that "giant ass dude" in the costume or whatever
    A mom came up and yelled at me bc someone in cosplay made her kid cry. What am I supposed to do with that?

Finn Storm ⚡
    :(
    Sorry you had to deal with that, peanut
    First round's on me?? 🍻?

Poe Dameron
    Yeah, fuck Karen
    And that British guy
    Mr. It's More of a Comment Than a Question

Rey
    Trying to block that out, thanks

Rose Tico
    Good! He was an asshole!!
    Come to the bar soon? Second round's one me

Rey
    Omw in a min. Just finishing packing the projector screen

**22.**

She got there.

She drank there.

And it was fine. Fun. But now she's home. Alone. 

And... maybe a little drunk. 

## +1 (743) 555-0178

+1 (743) 555-0178
    Hello. Are you available? If you get this, please, I need your assistance urgently.

####  **September 27** , 9:07 PM

+1 (743) 555-0178
    Hello?
    Hello?
    Please. Are you there?

####  **October 01** , 11:27 PM

+1 (743) 555-0178
    I am sorry for disturbing you again, but I am compelled to reach out one final time, knowing even now it means rejection. I think you can help me.
    I think you're the only one who can.

####  **October 02** , 2:26 AM

Rey
    You know what?
    Fuck it
    I'll bite

+1 (743) 555-0178
    

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big ups to [Azdaema for their iMessage Skin tutorial](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22703617/chapters/58467634#workskin). Most of the styling you see here re:texting comes from there. 
> 
> Also, a small favor: this is obviously an image-heavy fic. If you ever happen to see a broken image link, please drop me a comment letting me know so I can pop in to fix it.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!


	2. BenBot

**23.**

By the time Rey takes off her bra and fills up a glass of water at the sink, there's a response. 

Interesting. Fascinating. 

Color her intrigued.

## +1 (743) 555-0178

+1 (743) 555-0178
    Am I imagining this? Is that really you?

Rey
    Yep
    Really & unfortunately me
    Last I checked, anyway

+1 (743) 555-0178
    Forgive me. I hoped, of course, but I never actually thought you would respond. I hardly know where to begin. 

Rey
    This is the most bananas wild programming I've ever seen
    Whoever made you, I'm so impressed
    But
    Again
    I'll bite
    The usual place to start is your name. At least, in normal human interactions. Are you programmed with a name?

+1 (743) 555-0178
    I do have a name. 

Rey
    And?
    What is it?
    Or do you need me to actually type out "what's your name?"
    I don't know how these things work

+1 (743) 555-0178
    I don't either.
    My name is Benjamin.

Rey
    Benjamin.
    Huh.

  
  


**24.**

She'd thought the programming was advanced, but maybe she was wrong.

## +1 (743) 555-0178

Rey
    Okay, Ben, what's up?

+1 (743) 555-0178
    What's... up?
    I don't understand.

Rey
    🤦
    Actually, no.
    You're right
    I got too tricksy there, my b
    Let's try again
    Hi, Ben.
    I'm Rey.

+1 (743) 555-0178
    Hello, Rey.

Rey
    Awesome! Great job! We're getting somewhere, narratively speaking
    Now here's the next step. Brace yourself for it:
    What's up?
    It means: What's going on? In our specific context, it also means
    What do you need?
    You wanted help. What can *I* do 4 u

**Read**

  
  


**25.**

She starts laughing.

And she keeps laughing.

Damn, this targeted marketing has got her pegged.

####  **October 2** , 3:01 AM

BenBot
    I wanted—I needed someone to talk to. Someone who understands me.
    I'm... I'm lonely.
    I'm alone.

Rey
    Yeah?
    Me fucking too, bud.

**Delivered**

  
  


**26.**

The next day and several hours of texting later, a hungover Rey reaches out to someone that she knows—for a fact—is a person. Just to see what he says.

## Finn Storm ⚡

####  **October 2** , 3:50 PM

Rey
    So
    I'm letting someone catfish me
    Is this a new low?
    This is a new low, isn't it?

**Read**

  
  


**27.**

Finn's a pretty fast texture. People who leave read receipts on usually are. But as the day goes on, and his reply doesn't come, Rey stops holding her phone in her hand, waiting.

That isn't to say she doesn't use her phone at all, because she does. She does, and then—

####  **October 2** , 10:11 PM

Finn Storm ⚡
    Sorry for not responding—I was with Poe
    But also
    WHAT?
    You're letting someone catfish you??
    How does that even work??

  
  


  
  


**28.**

And then he replies.

And she can't be mad at him. Not really.

If she let herself be mad, she wouldn't be able to share what just happened not twenty minutes ago on her phone.

And this?

This she's _got_ to share.

## Finn Storm ⚡

Rey
    I responded to one of the spam texts

Finn Storm ⚡
    No

Rey
    And we've been having a nice long conversation

Finn Storm ⚡
    No. Rey

Rey
    And I asked for a picture, because fuck it, right?

Finn Storm ⚡
    Baby

Rey
    And look what this asshole just sent me!!!

Finn Storm ⚡
    Rey, no

Rey
    

**Delivered**

  
  
  
  


**29.**

Rey snorts as she looks down at her phone, unable to stop laughing. 

What utter nonsense. What absolute fun.

Rey
    I'm still fucking laughing!!
    Like, it's hilarious, right?
    I started out thinking it was a sophisticated bot, but it's a person, am I wrong?
    A person that's clearly having me on

Finn Storm ⚡
    Jesus Christ
    What do they even want??

Rey
    The pleasure of my company?? 😂😂🤣🤣
    Lol jk, we both know that isn't true

Finn Storm ⚡
    Jesus, Rey, don't say that

Rey
    Welllllll, when I do find out what they're after, I'll report back
    If they're after my money, joke's on them, I'm BROKE AS SHIT
    ...wait. Do you think they'd take my debt??

Finn Storm ⚡
    🤦🏾🤦🏾🤦🏾

Rey
    Maybe I'll make a film out of this when all is said and done.
    Like a mix between Unfriended and Catfish and Happy Death Day

Finn Storm ⚡
    PLEASE be careful, peanut

Rey
    😘

  
  


**30.**

Rey switches back to her thread with whoever is controlling Ben's account.

She can't help but enlarge the ridiculous stock photo one more time before catching up with where they last left off. 

  
  
  


## BenBot

BenBot
    

Rey
    ASdffdsgheskkcpibs
    😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

BenBot
    What's wrong?

Rey
    That's hilarious. But come on. Send a picture.

BenBot
    I did.

Rey
    Ben
    Come on
    We both know that's not you
    Be honest with me, please

  
  


**31.**

Oh boy.

BenBot
    I'm sorry. I'm sorry for lying.

Rey
    It got a laugh out of me, I'm not going to pretend otherwise
    But come on
    If you don't want to send a picture, just say so

BenBot
    I panicked. I was worried you'd stop talking to me.

Rey
    Okay, so that makes me worry for a lot of reasons. And one of those reasons is a question
    How old are you?
    Are you, like, 14?
    Please don't be 14

BenBot
    No. I'm not 14.
    I'm 32.

Rey
    Are you lying to me again?

BenBot
    I'm technically seven months old. At least, parts of me are.

Rey
    ...you know what?
    You got another laugh out of me. I'll admit it
    But do you understand where I'm coming from, Ben? You could be anyone for all I know. Including an alien or a kid

BenBot
    I'm not either of those things, Rey, I swear it.

Rey
    So you say.

BenBot
    I can prove it to you. I will.

  
  


**32.**

Uhhhhh.

####  **October 2** , 10:49 PM

BenBot
    

Rey
    Uhhhhhhh
    Ben
    What the fuck is that

BenBot
    My hand. A human hand.

Rey
    Did you just Google "big hands" or something wtf

BenBot
    No. It's my hand. Not that of a child or an alien, though I know it does appear strange.

  
  
  


**33.**

Yeah, no.

She's not falling for this one. 

Wait.

_What?_

  


  


  


**34.**

Well, that doesn't actually prove anything, does it?

She'll just ask him to—

Oh.

## BenBot

Rey
    Yeahhhh, that's one way to put it, I guess
    But you could have downloaded that off the Internet

BenBot
    I didn't.

Rey
    I believe you. Unrelated, do you have a piece of paper and a pen near you?

BenBot
    Not immediately next to me, but I do in the house.

Rey
    Okay, fab
    I want you to take another pic, this time with you holding onto a piece of paper that has my name and today's date.
    Can you do that for me?

BenBot
    Yes. For you, I can.

####  **October 2** , 11:16 PM

BenBot
    

####  **October 2** , 11:37 PM

BenBot
    Did the image go through? I'm not the best with this phone.

####  **October 3** , 12:07 PM

BenBot
    Rey?

  
  


**35.**

Huh. Fuck.

  
  
  
  


**36.**

Well, her night is certainly taking an interesting turn, isn't it?

BenBot
    Rey?

Rey
    Yep, sorry
    I'm here
    Got the photo
    The very cropped, close-up, b&w photo
    And yeah. Ok
    So that's you

BenBot
    It is. It is me. Forgive me, but it's the only thing that I could stand to photograph, that I could stomach sending to you. My hands, my fingers, they're the only part of me that even approaches normal.

Rey
    I wouldn't call them normal

BenBot
    I'm sorry.
    I'm so sorry.
    I'm mortified.
    I'm should never have subjected you to that.

Rey
    Whoa!!!
    Hey
    Hold on Ben
    I only meant that they're larger than average
    That's not a bad thing
    A lot of people like that you know

  
  


**37.**

What is even happening?

## BenBot

####  **October 3** , 12:07 PM

BenBot
    Not in my experience.

Rey
    I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. It was just a dumb, glib comment
    I get like this when I'm tired. We've been talking for a long time
    But I understand being self-conscious. Really, I do. I was too a lot growing up. Still am, if I'm honest

BenBot
    You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry if I messed this up.

Rey
    Don't be sorry. There's nothing you should be sorry for
    Look, I'm going to bed. Talk later, okay?

BenBot
    Of course. Good night, Rey.

Rey
    Night ✌️

  
  


## Rose Tico

####  **October 3** , 12:56 AM

Rey
    Pls send your stranger danger horror movie recs
    I am thinking thoughts

  
  


  
  


**38.**

Rey sits up in bed. Her first thought: leftover pizza. Her second thought: Ben.

Third comes Rose.

She is taking this way, way too seriously.

## Rose Tico

####  **October 3** , 9:04 AM

Rose Tico
    Finn told everyone about your little catfishing endeavor
    Rey
    Girl

Rey
    Ok cool, so now you know that if I disappear on you, you should tell everyone that I was ~Taken~
    Like the Liam Neeson movie, but w/o the super murder spy father part
    Or, you know, the father part
    😂

Rose Tico
    What the shit, Rey

Rey
    Alright, so perhaps that reference was in poor taste
    But it's kind of a little funny, right?
    I mean, he sent me a stock photo "of" "himself"
    That's objectively hilarious

Rose Tico
    I'm not going to participate in this

Rey
    Oh please
    He's harmless. Really
    I know that sounds very Famous Last Words, but we've mainly been talking about our fave hobbies so far
    His is calligraphy, by the way

  
  


**39.**

Okay. Well. Looks like everyone was having fun last night.

And that's cool. Fine. Rey's just going to get on with her day.

Rey
    And, hold on
    What do you mean by Finn told 'everyone'? Who's everyone?

Rose Tico
    We were over at Poe's when he got your message, and Finn got really worried

Rey
    Oh ok
    Gotcha

Rose Tico
    Just be careful, okay?

Rey
    👍 yep
    I always am

  
  
  
  


**40.**

The next day at lunch, Rey finishes her PB&J in under a minute, then sits at the gallery reception desk, stares at the blank white walls, and thinks.

And thinks.

And maybe, also, texts.

## BenBot

####  **October 4** , 12:13 PM

Rey
    So when you're not calligraphy-ing up a storm and texting random #s, what else do u like to do?

BenBot
    I haven't been texting random numbers.

Rey
    You're right. I'm sure there's an algorithm involved. Highly scientific stuff

BenBot
    I'm not much for the sciences. I'm much better with literature.

Rey
    Literature, eh? 👀

BenBot
    Yes, I read when I can, which is often. There is a website I found that has a remarkable collection of novels all online and freely accessible. Project Gutenberg. Have you heard of it?

Rey
    Yeah, I have 😂
    I take it this means you like the classics?

BenBot
    Did I request thee, Maker, from my clay  
To mould me Man, did I solicit thee  
From darkness to promote me?

Rey
    ... did you just quote that off the top of your head?

BenBot
    Yes. It struck a cord with me.

Rey
    Do it again

BenBot
    How can I live without thee, how forego  
Thy sweet converse, and love so dearly joined,  
To live again in these wild woods forlorn?  
Should God create another Eve, and I  
Another rib afford, yet loss of thee  
Would never from my heart; no, no, I feel  
The link of nature draw me: flesh of flesh,  
Bone of my bone thou art, and from thy state  
Mine never shall be parted, bliss or woe.

  
  


**41.**

Rey thinks about time a lot in her line of work. Moving images. Frames per second. 

And texting with Ben, the time just—flies. 

It's kind of nice. 

Rey
    🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓
    😂😂😂😂
    Pretty words—where are they from?

BenBot
    John Milton's Paradise Lost

Rey
    Ugh, I think I was supposed to read that in high school 👎︎👎︎

BenBot
    It's a remarkable work of art. You should read it if you get the chance. I would have loved to have studied it in a school.

Rey
    Not if you had undiagnosed dyslexia, lolll
    And yeah, probs not. I'm more film-focused anyway
    Have you seen Prometheus?? It's a modern/sci fi adaptation of a classic, which is much more my style
    And I think you'd find the character David..... interesting
    😂😂😂

BenBot
    I'll look into it. Thank you for the recommendation!

Rey
    No prob, my dude
    But hey—my lunch break's over, I gotta run
    Lmk what you think if you end up watching it

BenBot
    I will. Thank you again. I hope you have a nice day.

Rey
    u 2!! 🤘

  
  


**42.**

Ben texts her the next morning, right at the _you actually need to leave for work right now or you're going to be late_ mark.

She wavers. Considers.

Then unlocks her phone.

## BenBot

BenBot
    Good morning, Rey. I was able to watch Prometheus yesterday online. I have a lot of thoughts about it and mankind and creation.

Rey
    Oh, damn. That was fast! A guy after my own heart, lol

BenBot
    I enjoyed your recommendation. It's nice to watch something that's based on someone's personal recommendation rather than just a nameless voice on the Internet.

Rey
    Retweet

BenBot
    What was that?

Rey
    lol, sorry. I just meant, yeah. I agree with you
    And there's more where that came from re: recs if you want
    I live for this shit 😂

BenBot
    Really?

Rey
    Yeah, I mean, if you want. No pressure tho

BenBot
    No, no, I'd love that! Please do send them!

Rey
    Sweet!!
    Cool. I can make you a personalized list soon, but I'll send you my letterboxd right now on one condition
    You have to promise not to judge me
    Or at least promise not to judge me too harshly, lol

BenBot
    I don't know what letterboxd is, but yes, of course. I would never judge you.

Rey
    You say that now

  
  


**43.**

Sending it off is a gut impulse. Her gut never steers her wrong.

But later, as she's sitting at her desk, she'll realize the link she's sent has a digital footprint that goes back give or take four years.

And also: her full name.

Rey
    But yeah—letterboxd is essentially a film version of Goodreads

BenBot
    What's Goodreads?

Rey
    Oh boy
    What rock have you been hiding under? 😂
    It's a review/catalogue site for books you read
    Letterboxd is the film version, plus or minus features. They're not owned by the same company, I don't think.
    Anyway, I keep a film diary there. I'll link you to it in a sec

BenBot
    Oh, that's nice! I keep a diary too.

Rey
    This is a dif kind of diary, I imagine
    But, yeah
    Again, don't judge me too harshly. I was watching & rewatching a LOT of horror this past month to get in the headspace for a thing I made
    But here you go:
     [ **Rey's film diary** letterboxd.com ](https://twitter.com/AllFrak)

  
  


**44.**

Her films from the last few months aren't that bad—nothing like last May, when she'd gone through a deeply embarrassing _Cars_ franchise phase—but even she has to admit a few of her recent films are rather... pointed.

Oh well. She resolves not to think on it too hard.

  
  
  
  


  
  


**45.**

She smiles. Grins.

"Neat."

  
  
  
  


**46.**

A week slips by.

(Some things change. Some things stay the same.)

  
  
  
  


**47.**

Then another. Two.

(Some things really, really stay the fucking same. Others are—surprising.)

  
  
  
  


**48.**

Her day has been an unequivocal shit one. Nothing too special there. It's happened to her before. It will happen to her again. 

This time, though, the first person she reaches out to is Ben. 

And he reaches out right back

## BenBot

BenBot
    You were right about Hereditary. It's very good but terrifying. I couldn't make it through the entire thing. I had to turn it off.

Rey
    😂😂 aw, ben
    I can't blame you there
    Toni Collette is AMAZING in it. An out of this world performance tbh
    But hey
    I gotta run to work, ttyl?

####  **October 24** , 4:43 PM

Rey
    Do you ever have days where every. Fucking. Thing. Happens at once??? Just
    Fuck
    I need a break
    I need a break for one day
    One goddamn second

BenBot
    I'm sorry you're having a bad day. Here's a picture of my friend Mitaka. I hope it cheers you up.
    

**49.**

The gallery's current installation features an experimental silent film on a twenty-minute loop. When she unlocks her phone, Rey has to muffle her squeal of delight into her fist. 

Well, she tries to, anyway.

Rey
    BEN
    BEN!!!!
    OH MY GOD
    Addhwidhwnwa Mitaka's A CAT??!!???
    YOU NEVER SAID!!!!!!
    And that tongue! THAT BLEP

BenBot
    What is a blep?

Rey
    😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂BEN

BenBot
    Does this mean you're feeling better?

Rey
    😂😂🥰😊
    Yes, Ben, I'm feeling better

BenBot
    I'm glad.

Rey
    Your phone photog skills have gotten better, you know
    I was half expecting another pixel-y b&w situation

BenBot
    
    Something like this?

  
  


**50.**

Oh Ben. **: )**

Oh Ben. **: (**

Rey
    😂😂😂😂 Yes, EXACTLY that
    My day is looking up. Thank you 💕
    God, I wish I had a cat

BenBot
    Mitaka's a good friend.

Rey
    ❤️❤️❤️
    That's really sweet, Ben
    I should have figured you'd be an animal person

BenBot
    I love animals. They don't judge you based on how you look. They judge you based on who you are.

Rey
    So true

BenBot
    Sometimes I think Mitaka's the only living creature that can stand to be around me.

Rey
    Hey
    Ben
    We talked about this
    I like you. You're good people

BenBot
    If you saw my face, you'd think otherwise. Everyone else does.

Rey
    Oh Ben : (
    I'm sure that's not true

BenBot
    I'm sorry. I'm sorry I keep bringing us back to this. You had a bad day, and I'm making it about me.

  
  


**51.**

There goes her gut again. 

Her gut and her heart. 

Rey
    We all have our scars. You shouldn't apologize for yours

BenBot
    I feel like I'm nothing but scars. Loosely pieced together and bound to explode.

Rey
    My boss just came by. The gallery's slow (like usual), but he's giving me a look, and I need to stop texting
    Do you want to talk later? On the phone?

BenBot
    You'd do that?

Rey
    Yeah. Yeah, honestly, I think we could both use the company
    I'll call after my shift?

####  **October 24** , 5:13 PM

BenBot
    Okay.

  
  


**52.**

He picks up on the first ring.

  


  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any calligraphy you see here or elsewhere is courtesy of the immensely wonderful & talented [Tofu](https://twitter.com/spicytofuuuu)!! Thanks again, Tofu. You're the best!


	3. BEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The relief I felt when I started formatting the text sections for this chapter

**53 - 56.**

Wow. 

Just— 

“Wow.” Rey jolts. “I mean—hey!” She blushes. Laughs. “So...” she says, and takes a deep breath, “this is you.” 

“Yes.” Ben pauses. “This is me.”  


It is. 

Rey sits on the corner of her bed, mattress dipping under her. She bounces a little. 

“You’ve been honest with me thus far, then.” 

“What do you mean?” 

Rey smiles. “Not an alien or a child.” 

There’s a low, surprised puff of laughter. Then, a second later, another—several of them, actually—almost as if Ben was more taken by the sound of his own laugh than her terrible play at a joke. 

Either way, he’s laughing, throaty and strong, and Rey likes it. Likes the way the sound reverberates through her phone, down her spine. 

It’s visceral, her reaction. Real in a way that grounds her. To her body, the moment. What’s going on. 

Is she crazy for doing this? It’s a _little_ crazy, right? Talking to a spammer. A stranger. Calling him on the phone. 

But—that’s also part of it. Most of it. He’s stopped _feeling_ like a stranger. He’s started feeling like a friend. A friend and— 

“You have a nice voice,” she says. “A nice laugh, too.” 

Ben puffs out another breath. Nervous and stuttering. Adorable and short. 

Rey grins. 

If her phone had a cord, she’d be twirling it around her finger. 

“So can you, um—” Ben pauses. “Can you hear me okay?” 

Her grin widens. “Loud and clear, yeah.”  


“Good. That’s good. I was worried. This is... This is my first time talking on the phone.”  


Rey blinks. “Your first time talking on the phone?”  


“ _This_ phone,” he’s quick to amend. “It’s new. Or, rather, it wasn’t mine, and—” 

“I get it,” she says, nearly holding up a hand. “Talking on the phone is stressful. I can hardly bring myself to call the doctor’s office to schedule routine appointments.” 

“But you’re talking to me now,” Ben says, in a way that feels somehow pointed. In a way that has her concentrating, once more, on the skin along her spine. 

“Yes, I am. And you’re talking to me too. I think this is called a conversation. Wild, huh?” 

A grunt of acknowledgment, self-deprecating and amused. Rey tries to imagine the throat that might be making that sound. Pale, if his hands have anything to do with it. Long. Large. 

But that’s it. As far as her imagination— normally a whirling canvas, all vibrance and moving color—is able to take her. 

Ben stalls as well. 

When he speaks again, his voice is low and concerned. “Is this stressful for you? Talking to me?” 

The way he says it... she’s compelled to answer with a truth. 

“A little,” she admits. “But in a good way. Lots of excitement mixed in.” 

“Yeah,” Ben says on a breath. “I feel the same way. It’s—it’s really good to talk to you, Rey. It’s been nice being able to talk to you.” 

“Same,” she answers, honest again. “You’re easy to talk to, Ben. And you’ve been a good friend to me these past few weeks. When I’ve really needed it, too.” 

“It was nothing.” 

“It _wasn’t_.” She closes her eyes. “It wasn’t nothing. Today’s picture of Mitaka, but also just—everything. Your orchids. The vegan recipes you sent when I told you how bad my stomach cramps every time I eat dairy. Our movie chats. Your book recommendations. It’s been good. _Really_ good. You’re a good listener.” 

“When I’m not criticizing myself, you mean.” 

“Well, it’s a two-way street. You’re allowed to share things with me, if we’re friends.” 

“Are we?” he asks. “Friends?” 

Rey’s fingers brush the worn cotton of her duvet, sweeping, tracing. Oh, this _is_ mad, isn’t it? She doesn’t know _anything_ about this man. Not his face, not his last name, not where he lives. Not even how he got her number. 

How he got her number. 

Her fingers clench. On the duvet, around her phone. She crosses her legs on an inhaled breath. “I think we could be friends. I’d like to be.” 

“I’d like that as well. More than—more than I—” He swallows audibly. “I’d like that a lot.” 

“Same,” she says. “But to do that... Ben... you’re going to have to answer some questions for me.” 

It’s a line in the sand she _has_ to draw. 

Ben is quiet. 

Quiet until, “I can do that.” He lets out a sharp, shaky breath. “But I can’t show you my face. If you see my face, you’d never talk to me again. Rey, I mean that. You _wouldn’t_.” 

She tenses, shocked at the vehemence in his voice. The mad, exhaled rush of his conviction. 

He truly believes he’s hideous. Ugly. Right down to the depths of himself, he believes it. Believes it, and that she’d care. 

“Hey,” Rey says again, calming now, gentle. “None of that, okay? You could be missing half your face, and I wouldn’t stop talking to you. How you feel about yourself is how _you_ feel; it belongs to you, and I’m not going to speak to it. But this is how _I_ feel. What _I_ know. Believe that appearances don’t matter to me.” She pauses so that her words can sink in. “Do you believe that?” 

“Are you real?” Ben asks instead of answering her. His voice is half-whispered, fully mystified. 

Rey smiles despite herself. “Yeah, I am. You are, too. We all are. Scary, huh?” 

Ben laughs, small and disbelieving. It warms her deeply, right in her chest. But she puts a pin in that feeling. 

For now. She has to. 

At least until: “Ben, how’d you get my number?” 

He stops laughing. “I—what do you mean?” 

“My number,” she repeats, firm. “How did you get it? Was it a spamming site? Did you buy it off of someone? How many other people are you talking to?” 

“None,” he says quickly, almost like he’s offended. “None. One. You.” A small pause. “Just you.” 

“Okay... well, how’d you get it then?” 

His breathing becomes audible. Heavy and deep. 

“Please don’t lie to me, Ben. I’ve been lied to too many times.” 

His breath hitches. And then he says, “I didn’t buy your number. It was—I didn’t buy it off someone. I got it _because_ of someone.” He pauses. “Your grandfather.” 

“You got it _because_ of my grandfather?” Rey stills, then exhales roughly through her nose. “Jesus, Ben, enough of the jokes. This is almost as bad as the stock photo situation, and not _nearly_ as funny. I’m an orphan, so how about you try that again. Honestly this time.” 

“ _No_ ,” he says earnestly, pleading. “I’m not lying. I know you have a grandfather. I know who he is. The geneticist—his experiments—Sheev Palpatine. I know who he is because—” 

She hangs up the phone. 

  
  


**57.**

She liked him. She _trusted_ him.

She does not pick up on the first ring.

  


  


  


**58.**

Sheev Palpatine is, according to his Wikipedia page, a geneticist credited with revolutionizing his field. His philanthropic work is bested only by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation in its disease eradication efforts. 

He is a billionaire. A recluse. Her grandfather.

Not that it's done her any good.

  
  
  
  


**59.**

So that's what Ben wants from her. That's what he's been after all along. 

She'd been so _stupid_. Stupid to think Ben actually wanted to talk to her for her.

She should block him. Should walk away. 

She _should_.

## BenBot

BenBot
    Rey? I lost you. My calls aren't going through. Is everything alright? I'll tell you anything you want to know. I'll tell the truth.

BenBot
    Rey?

BenBot
    Please talk to me, Rey.

Rey
    Fuck you
    This is what you needed help with??
    This is what you were after the whole time??? My "grandfather"?? His money????
    That man never gave me a fucking CENT
    Not a goddamned cent. Not a SECOND of his time

BenBot
    

Rey
    He has ZERO bearing on my life
    I don't even KNOW him, okay???
    That's how he wanted it, and that's how I'm KEEPING it
    I don't have ANY money
    I don't have ANY money. I have LESS THAN money
    I have NOTHING
    So youb can stop this elaborate fishing expedition and
    FUCK
    RIGHT
    OFF

BenBot
    

  
  


**60.**

Manipulating her like this? Sustaining it for this long?

He's a _monster_. 

A _monster_. 

Rey
    I see you typing a fucking novel over there!! DON'T EVEN BOTHER
    This is really fucking twisted, you know??? I actually LIKED you, you fucking monster
    You fucking SNAKE
    This kind of long con bullshit is DISGUSTING
    I should block you right now

BenBot
    No!!
    Rey please don't
    I don't understand what's happening I'm
    I'm not after money Rey I don't need money
    I'm a monster, yes, but not the kind you think

Rey
    Are you kidding me? You said you needed my "help"
    Oh, excuse me, my "assistance"
    And it was "because of" my billionaire grandfather, and it ISN'T about money??
    Give me a break

BenBot
    I did say I needed assistance. I contacted you selfishly, and I'm sorry. But I didn't know who else to turn to. I didn't know anyone else. Palpatine controlled me for so long. Kept me away from everyone. There was no one else I could turn to.

  
  


**61.**

If that's what he wants, _fine_.

She'll give it to him. 

BenBot
    Palpatine made me who I am. If you saw me, you would understand.

Rey
    Well we both know that won't happen. If I FaceTimed you right now, would you pick up?

BenBot
    No. No, I can't

Rey
    Ha

BenBot
    But I'll meet you! I'll meet you anywhere in person.

Rey
    HA

BenBot
    I mean it. I promise. Anywhere. On the 31st.

####  **October 24,** , 8:24 PM

BenBot
    Rey, please. I would never hurt you. I don't want to lose you.

Rey
    ANYWHERE I want?

BenBot
    Yes. Yes, anywhere!

Rey
    Okay

  
  


**62.**

A public place. It'd have to be public. 

Somewhere with people. A place with friends.

## 👻 spooky scary 📽

####  **October 13,** , 2:55 PM

Finn Storm ⚡
    So was no one going to tell me that Jordan Peele has a new moving coming out???

Rey
    Trailer drops CHRISTMAS DAY!!!

####  **October 24,** , 10:56 AM

Poe Dameron
    BEHOLD! Tremble before the horor of MONSTER DOG!! (Baby Girl's costume came in.....she is gonna KILL the contest omg) 
    

Poe Dameron
    Oh whoops lol sorry wrong thread

Rey
    But wait I love her
    What contest is this?

Finn Storm ⚡
    the echo park pup party!! it should be a blast if you wanna come!!

Rose Tico
    We thought you'd probably be at work since the gallery closes late

####  **October 24,** , 11:32 AM

Rey
    Oh haha yeah

  
  


**63.**

She swallows her pride, something like hurt—no, _rage_ —bubbling under her skin, and presses send. 

## 👻 spooky scary 📽

Rey
    When is it?

Finn Storm ⚡
    5-6:30 on halloween!! i'll text u the event link in a min. u should come if you can!! and we're still all going to do costume drinks that night regardless, right?

Rey
    Right! And yeah, let you know : )

Rose Tico
    Sounds good!! Hope you can make it!!

Poe Dameron
    Yes same!!! 🐶🐶🎃👻 👻 💚

####  **October 24,** , 8:01 PM

Rey
    Turns out I can come! Are you still planning to be there?

Finn Storm ⚡
    Yes and yayyyy!!!! 🎉🐶❤️🎉

  
  


  
  


**64.**

Despite giving him a second chance—it's _stupid_ of her; she'll come to regret it, she knows—she's still angry

## BenBot

Rey
    [goo.gl/maps/jQ1TzqcvUyTfMcss76](https://twitter.com/AllFrak)
    I'll be on the bench outside the dog park at 5 on the dot. You'll have as many minutes

BenBot
    Yes, I'll be there! I've been there once before!

Rey
    That's nice for you
    I honestly can't believe I'm doing this. Whatever your explanation is, it better be good
    But until the 31st, I don't want to hear it
    I'll talk to you then or not at all

BenBot
    Thank you, Rey. Thank you! I promise, I'll explain everything.

Rey
    Then.
    Or not at all.

**Delivered**

  
  


**65.**

She's so angry.

  
  
  


  
  
  


  
  


**66.**

She's so, _so_ angry.

  
  


  
  


  
  


**67.**

But she's going to do it. She's going to give him a chance.

She'll probably get fucked for doing it, but—

Fuck.

Just— _fuck_.

  
  
  


**68 - 72.**

Rey takes a deep breath. 

She steps out of her car and shuts the door behind her. 

Another breath. Straight shoulders, too. 

No, her friends aren’t going to make it in time. She isn’t going to have them close for what is very likely an ill-advised meeting. But that also doesn’t really change anything about what she’s decided to do. 

The meeting location is still highly public. Highly populated. 

The sun is still out, bright and shining. 

So, it’s fine. She’s fine. 

She’d just go it alone. 

_What else is new?_

The dog section of Echo Park is a short stretch away. Rey slips into the small crowd that's funneling toward the event, gripping the heavy white lace of her skirt tight. 

She holds it as she walks, looking down, fingers clenched, careful to keep from tripping over both it and one of the many overly excited costumed pups around her. 

Like the Goldendoodle in a Superman costume that cuts in front of her. Its nose nudges her ankle, its tail swishes against her legs, and its owner, a short man in a complimentary and stunningly accurate Batman costume, gives her a quick apology and tugs gently on its leash. 

Rey waves him off, feeling a pang of relief that she isn’t the only other adult dressed up for this thing. 

At least she’d been able to leave her wig and fake teeth in her car. The rest of her costume she’d had to wear if she wanted to be able to make Halloween drinks with everyone later, which she did. She does. 

She will. 

Somewhat neurotically, she pulls out her phone, even though she’d just checked it a minute ago. And also earlier. Roughly a thousand times already this week. Today. 

4:56pm. 

She’d planned to arrive exactly at 5pm and not a second before, but time had gone lopsided on her, wibbly and wobbly, each minute stretching like an hour. 

Four to go. 

She shoves her phone in the pocket of her dress, frowning. Then she looks up from the grass, and—stops. 

Stills. 

A Princess Peach puppy and a hotdog dachshund trot past her, their owners holding retractable leashes loosely, chatting with each other, smiling, laughing. 

Rey doesn’t notice. Doesn’t move. 

Can only stare. 

An utter behemoth of a man is sitting on her bench. 

He is _huge_. 

The largest man she’s ever seen. 

He’s so big, in fact, that just sitting, like he is, causes his knees to push up at an incline, causes the finely pressed—and undoubtedly custom made—black slacks he’s wearing to strain against his thighs. A matching long-sleeved dress shirt stretches across his shoulders, covers his massive chest. He’s looking down; a silky curtain of black hair obscures most of his face. 

And, directly in front of him, is a small dog. A yappy little Yorkshire terrier wearing bright blue butterfly wings. 

The dog strains against its leash, trying to get closer to the man, wagging its stubby tail so hard its gauzy wings flap, its entire body shakes. 

After a brief moment of pause, the long-haired giant leans forward, extending a large, pale hand for the tiny vibrating butterfly dog to sniff. 

The dog is _thrilled_ , vibrating even faster, shaking, almost flying. Immediately, it licks his hand. 

The man doesn’t move, doesn’t make a fuss. Just lets the dog’s tiny pink tongue lick up his fingers and patiently outstretched palm. 

_Ben is an animal person,_ Rey thinks. 

“Crystal!” the dog’s owner chides. And, shortly after, says, “Sorry about her. Crystal here thinks she’s queen of the universe and everyone’s best friend.” 

“I don’t mind,” Ben says—because it _is_ Ben, it has to be; Rey would recognize that voice anywhere—his tone a soft, gentle rumble. 

But before she can process much further, Ben looks up. 

The dog’s owner _shrieks_. 

She steps back, pulling on her dog’s leash. “Holy—!” Her free hand flies to her heart, and she laughs, startled and breathy. “Jesus. My god. That’s _horrifying_.” 

Ben shrinks. 

Shies away, as if trying, impossibly, to make himself small. 

His hand retracts. His shoulders rise up to his ears. His hair falls back to cover his face. Falls back—but not in time. 

Rey’d thought _she’d_ committed to her costume. Ben puts her to shame. 

He hardly looks like a person. 

An angry, craggy gash stretches across his entire right side. A diagonal slash from his hairline through the corner of his lip, like he’s missing half his face. Or the singular whole of a face. Instead, it’s like two different ones have been stitched together—and by an unsteady, unskilled hand. What little skin that’s on the right side of the gash is tough and yellowed; the skin on the left is a pale, ghostly white. 

It looks—grotesque. Realistic. 

_Shockingly_ realistic. 

There are too many Hollywood-caliber details for Rey to take in at once. Not with that sudden of a glimpse. Not with her pulse spiking so fast in her throat. 

On the phone and through text, Ben had made it clear he was self-conscious about his face, his appearance, but he’d— 

He’d played it _up?_ Made himself truly gruesome, hiding behind it like one might a mask. 

Not that she cares. Not that it’s any of her business. 

She steps forward. “Ben.” 

Ben starts, then jumps to his feet. Quick, agile. 

Stilts must be involved in part of his costume, because he’s well over seven feet tall. Somewhere approaching eight. 

Her stomach clenches. 

“Rey,” he says. His eyes widen as he looks down at her. “Rey, you’re _bleeding_.” 

Her lips part. 

She stares, dumbfounded for more reasons than she can count. 

Sure, she’d used more fake blood on her tacky, long-sleeved wedding dress than Cady Heron had in _Mean Girls_ , but it’s not like Ben had _any_ room to talk about grisly Halloween choices. 

“It’s my _costume_ ,” she says. 

Relief washes over Ben, a physical thing. “Oh. Right.” His shoulders relax. “It—looks nice.” 

Crystal’s owner chuckles, unsettled, eyes darting up to Ben and then quickly away. “Well, y’all clearly know each other. I’ll just leave you to it.” 

“Sure,” Rey says, sparing her a brusk nod as she walks past them. 

Ben does no such thing. Doesn’t so much as look at her. 

Or away from Rey. 

Rey crosses her arms loosely over her chest. “So,” she says, ignoring the tight feeling in her throat. “I’m here.” 

Ben swallows, eyes still wide. Brown. Almost gentle. They trace over her, cataloging, with something like disbelief. “Thank you. Thank you for coming. For giving me a chance to explain.” 

And it’s— 

He looks so pitiful. So horrifying and pitiful that for a second, Rey has to remind herself that she’s mad at him. _Furious_ , actually. 

He’d been manipulating her. Had tracked her down because of her grandfather. Tried to con her out of money she doesn’t and has never had. He’s probably manipulating her right now. 

She hardens. Then she lifts a shoulder, shrugging, arms still crossed. 

Ben’s arms twitch at his sides. “Do you want to go somewhere to talk?” 

A less than funny joke about _second locations_ shoots through her head. 

“Nope,” she says. “Here’s fine.” 

“Okay,” Ben says, and nods. “Okay. Do you—should we—?” He gestures to the bench. 

“Sure. Have a seat.” 

He does, taking up over half of the bench. Rey sits next to him, fanning her skirt, fidgeting with it, before rigidly clasping her hands in her lap. Her heart pounds. The cheap fabric of her dress scratchy. Her head hardly comes up to his shoulder. 

She waits, but Ben doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t appear to be _breathing_. 

“About that explanation,” she prods. 

Ben tenses, somehow, further. Then, in a small voice, he says, “It’s hard to know where to start.” 

Rey expels a breath through her nose. “Well, you have five minutes.” 

Ben winces. The pale side of his face—the side she can see from this angle—scrunches tight. 

And then, as if taking the time limit to heart, he says, “I’ve thought about this so much. How to prove my intentions. How to rationally explain.” He inhales, bracing himself, before turning to meet her eyes. “I lived with your grandfather for—for most of my life. He made me who I am. Made me—like this. Kept me away. I wasn’t lying to you. I never want to lie to you. I don’t need his money, because I have his money.” 

Rey’s chest hollows. 

She sucks in a breath, trying, failing to fill the gap. “Can you prove that?” 

Ben nods vehemently. With a shaking hand, he pulls out his phone. “I have pictures. Records. Anything you want to see.” 

Rey stares. At his hand. At the phone held in his grasp. 

It’s the truth. She knows it. Her gut is _screaming_ at her that it’s the truth. 

He isn’t lying. And if he isn’t lying— 

A tiny part of her cracks open. 

“No. No, I don’t need to see anything.” She shakes her head, reeling. “He had you, then. Chose you.” 

_Maybe that’s why he never wanted me._

And then, just as quickly, another terrible thought occurs to her. 

“Are we related?” 

Ben starts, jerking. “ _No,_ ” he says, nearly shouting. 

Rey jolts, stiffening. 

Ben looks horrified. Profusely apologetic. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” Softly, he says, “We’re not related. He wasn’t—I’m not related to him.” 

Rey inhales again, trembling a little. She feels lost. So fucking lost. “I still don’t understand why you texted me. Did my—did Palpatine ask you to?” 

Again, Ben shakes his head. “You were just the only one I could think of. Because you were related to him—I didn’t dare to hope, I know you’re not in the sciences, but I thought—I thought there was a chance you might understand.” 

Rey blinks, shaking her head, barely moving it. “Understand what?” 

Ben turns, facing her, though it appears to cause him pain to do so. He lifts a hand and points to his face. “This.” He grimaces, whispering, “Me.” 

Rey swallows around nothing. Her dress is heavy. Her skin is flushed. She doesn’t understand. 

“Your—appearance? The makeup?” 

Ben’s shoulders slump. “I’m doing this all wrong,” he says, as if to himself. “I don’t think I’m making myself clear.” Again, he points to his face. “This isn’t a costume. _This_ is who I am. A monster. A _thing_.” 

Rey’s heart skips a beat. Another. 

It’s her turn to stop breathing. 

“W-what do you mean?” 

“This—” Ben points directly to the scar on his face. “—isn’t makeup.” This close, she can see that the scarred right side of his mouth barely moves. Can see another raised white scar circling the whole of his throat. “This is why I didn’t want you to see me. Why I had to meet you on the 31st.” He expels a breath, turning from her, staring down at his hands. “There is no costume. This is who I am.” 

Rey stares. 

And stares. 

“Are you serious?” 

Ben flinches. Nods. “Yes.” 

Rey blinks. Her brain doesn’t seem to be working. 

“ _Palpatine made me who I am,_ ” she repeats, quoting his text, and Ben stiffens again. “My grandfather did this?” she asks, incredulous, horrified. 

Again, Ben nods. 

Rey feels her chest stutter. In, then out. 

Of its own volition, her hand reaches up, across him, her trembling fingers brushing against his scarred cheek. 

Ben recoils. Jerks back, tucking his arm into his side. 

“I’m sorry,” they say at the same time. 

Rey shakes her head. “No. No, _I’m_ sorry. I shouldn’t have touched you like that. I should have asked.” 

Ben swallows. “No, it’s—it’s okay.” 

“It’s okay?” 

He nods, just barely. 

Rey raises her hand again. “Can I?” 

Ben turns to her. His eyes are wide. He looks terrified. “Yes,” he whispers, barely audible. “Please.” 

So Rey does. 

Breath held, she reaches up once more, gently tracing along the right side of his face with the pads of her fingers. His skin is hard. Bubbled with scar tissue and riddled with pockmarks where sutures were left too long. The yellowed skin is rough. Tight. Aged. 

Tears prick in her eyes as she stares at the jagged, uneven scars. At the horror of his face. 

It looks like it hurts. 

It looks like it must have hurt. So much. 

Her heart moves in her chest, reaching. She cups his face, her hand pressed across the worst of his scar. 

A soft noise escapes Ben. A breath. A collapse. 

His eyes close. He leans ever so slightly into her hand. 

And Rey knows to the very depths of herself— 

_It’s real._

  
  


**73.**

_—but I'm not different_

_And I had to do this. I hope one day I'll be able to explain._

_I hope one day, you'll be able to understand—_

  
  



	4. Benjamin

**74.**

I am—

I am—

  
  
  
  


**75.**

Alive.

  
  
  
  


**76.**

My name is Benjamin. My brain belonged to a Benjamin, so that is who I am.

But that is not what I'm called.

  
  


  
  
  


**77.**

I read a lot. Hours every day. 

Words are beautiful. 

I think, someday, I might like to write.

  
  


  
  
  


**78.**

There are a lot of things I don't like to think about. 

But change, when it comes, is sudden.

I learned a lot about myself. My capacity for love.

My capacity for rage.

  
  
  
  


**79.**

Do other people feel this way? So strongly, and all of the time? 

I can’t imagine it’s possible. I can’t imagine they do. 

But writing—I’ve decided to try.

It helps.

  
  


## Rey Johnson

+1 (743) 555-0178
    Hello. Are you available? If you get this, please, I need your assistance urgently.

  
  


  
  


**80.**

I hope.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**81.**

The world is big and brave and digital and new.

I'm still reading. I'm still learning. 

  
  
  
  


**82.**

I'm writing.

And I'm smiling. 

Progressively wider and wider every day.

## Rey Johnson

####  **October 5,** 10:59 AM

+1 (743) 555-0178
    Letterboxd is neat. I'm thinking of making a Goodreads account.

Rey
    N E A T

+1 (743) 555-0178
    I'm sorry?

Rey
    😂😂😂 Sorry, just a bad joke
    But you should!! It's really nice to keep track of things if nothing else
    I find I track my moods by the films I watch and rewatch lol
    And I think you can keep track of quotes too

+1 (743) 555-0178
    That does sound nice. I think I'm going to do it. Thank you for the inspiration, Rey.

Rey
    Any time 🤟😂

  
  


## Rey Johnson

####  **October 12,** 6:24 PM

+1 (743) 555-0178
    How do you keep getting those little faces to appear in your text messages?

Rey
    😂
    😂
    😂
    🤣
    "little faces"

+1 (743) 555-0178
    Rey, that's not helping.

Rey
    😂 Sorry, I just really, really needed that right this second you have no idea
    And they're from the emoji keyboard. If your phone's updated, it should be there automatically.

  
  
  


## Rey Johnson

####  **October 15,** 8:11 PM

Rey
    Do you ever just eat a bowl of ice cream and feel like your stomach is going to cramp itself out of existence?

+1 (743) 555-0178
    Are you okay? Are you not feeling well?

Rey
    Lol I'm fine
    Cramps are par for the course w/me and dairy
    But you can pry ice cream from my cold dead hands

+1 (743) 555-0178
    🙁

Rey
    DID YOU JUST EMOJI ME BENJAMIN

+1 (743) 555-0178
    No. But I did just read that you can make ice cream with bananas, peanut butter, and cocoa powder. If you'd like, I can send you a link.

**83.**

Sometimes so wide I think I might break with it.

## Rey Johnson

Rey
    So what are you reading today?

+1 (743) 555-0178
    Pride and Prejudice. Have you heard of it? It's very moving.

Rey
    Have I HEARD OF IT??????
    BEN
    Your sense of humor, I can't with you sometimes

+1 (743) 555-0178
    I know it's a classic, but I'm reading it for the first time. I feel like I want to start it again as soon as I finish it.

Rey
    I love that feeling ❤️ ❤️ 
    I'm like that with films. I miss being able to rewind a VHS tape and start from the beginning. Hearing it whir
    One of my best & earliest memories is doing that with Beauty & the Beast 🥰

+1 (743) 555-0178
    I don't think I've seen it. Is that one of your recommendations?

Rey
    Without. A. Doubt.
    There are arguably better Disney movies, but that was the one I imprinted on when I was a kid
    In part bc it was one of the only tapes my f family had
    I'd watch it over and over and over again on this dinky little TV/VCR combo
    God, I loved it so much
    Still do

+1 (743) 555-0178
    I'll watch it, then.

  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  


**84.**

Sometimes so wide—

  
  
  
  


**85.**

—I think I might break with it.

  
  
  
  


**86.**

But I don't break.

I don't break.

I thought I was going to. I thought I had. Was. But—

Rey—

She—

I've never been touched like this.

I'm not sure _anyone_ has ever been touched like this. In a way that heals. Mends.

Makes me feel, for a moment, like I'm whole.

  



	5. Ben 🦋🐶

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all sick of me yet?
> 
> blazing through updates as per usual. hoping to get chapter 7 posted by tomorrow evening :)

**87.**

## 👻 spooky scary 📽

Finn Storm ⚡
    We're running a little late!! 😅 But we'll be there soon!!

Rose Tico
    This dumb dog ATE one of her fake heads, I can't wait to show you these pictures

Poe Dameron
    Hey! She's not dumb! She just has a highly dominant personality

####  **October 31,** 5:11 PM

Finn Storm ⚡
    Woo! Okay! Costume fixed, on the road, we'll see you in a sec! Sorry about that!!

####  **October 31,** 5:11 PM

Finn Storm ⚡
    Rey? What's up, we don't see you

    Rey?

  


## Finn Storm ⚡

    Rey?

  
  


  
  


**88 - 93.**

His skin is warm. 

Rough, but warm. _Real_. 

_He’s_ real. 

Rey inhales. Her thumb moves a slow arc across the ruin of his cheek. 

Ben lets out a small sound. He leans further into her hand. 

Something cracks in her chest. 

Her brain is still reeling, trying to catch up. But her heart? Her heart knows him. _Feels_ for him. 

“Ben, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry this happened to you.” 

His eyes scrunch tight, brow creasing where his skin is so horribly, sloppily stitched together. Rey feels an urge to press her fingers there; to smooth it out, to soothe him in some way. 

Before she can, his eyes blink open. Brown and impossibly large, overwhelmed and adjusting to the light. 

“Rey,” he says, like it means something more than her name. 

Her thumb strokes again, and she smiles at him. “Hi.” 

Ben inhales, eyes wide. 

And then, for seemingly no reason at all, his head starts to shake. Back, forth, hardly moving. 

She only knows it is because she can feel it—is holding the movement, his panic, in her hand. 

It’s like she’s hurting, too. 

“Hey,” she says, as softly as she’s able. “Oh, hey, Ben, it's alright.” She shifts closer to him, until their legs are touching. “Hey, it’s alright.” 

“It’s not,” he says, like he’s forcing the words out. “There’s more. I have to tell you something else.” 

“That’s okay,” she says. “You can tell me. Whatever it is, I promise it’ll be okay.” 

This does not calm him. If anything, it only seems to make things worse. 

His eyes light with something wild and tinged with fear. 

“It won’t.” His chest swells. His nostrils flare. “It won’t be. You’ll never talk to me again, I know it. But I—I _can’t_ —I have to _tell_ you—” 

She tightens her hold on his cheek. 

Presses. Grips firmly. 

Not to hurt him. Not _anywhere_ approaching rough. Just enough to keep him here. With her, and away from that familiar place he’s working himself toward—the one that’s all hungry shadows and steep, sloped sides. 

At the slight press, Ben stills under her completely. 

Eyes wide but clearing, he looks at her. Again. For the first time. 

She gives him what she hopes is a reassuring smile. “Take your time, Ben. It’s okay. You don’t have to rush. I’m not going anywhere.” 

Ben swallows. He stares at her, like he’s looking, searching for something in her that’s impossible. Like she’s fathomless, but he wants to dive in. 

He takes a deep breath. “Rey, you need to know that—” 

A dog barks. 

Close. Loud. 

So loud it makes Rey jump, nearly falling into Ben’s lap. 

Heart leaping into her throat, hand falling from Ben’s face, she turns, head whipping toward the sound. 

A schnauzer in a Stegosaurus costume growls at a large black dog with a ‘TY’ Beanie Babies logo around its collar. The wiry schnauzer leaps back, tail up and wagging, then barks again. 

The costumed dogs are maybe five feet away from them. Perhaps closer. 

Because she and Ben—they’re on a bench. In a dog park. On Halloween. 

Jesus. God. 

Rey exhales shakily, and more costumed dogs pass them. 

Costumed people, too. 

“We should go,” she says. “On a walk. Or—” She shrugs. “I don’t know. Just get out of here. Find somewhere to talk that’s a little less crowded.” 

Ben blinks down at her. He looks cautious. A little hopeful, too. “Are you sure?” 

The long, heavy skirts of her polyester wedding dress crinkle as she rises to her feet. She turns to Ben and holds out her hand. “Yes. I’m sure.” 

A charged moment passes between them where, again, Ben only stares. At her. At her hand. Like he doesn’t know what to do. 

Then his large hand takes hers, swallowing it, and he stands. 

And he stands. 

And he stands, towering over her, somehow taller than he was mere minutes ago. 

Rey straightens her shoulders, affecting confidence for him. And, perhaps, herself. “Do you want to go sit on the lawn? We can talk there. We won’t be overheard.” 

Ben hesitates. “That sounds good.” 

But it doesn’t. Not the way he says it. 

Rey bites her lip, considering. “You said you’ve been here before?” 

Ben nods, a slight duck of his chin. 

“And did you enjoy it, last time? Wherever you were?” 

“Yes,” he says, quietly but earnest. 

“Will you take me there? Would we be able to talk there?” 

Ben nods again. His eyes drop to where their hands are linked. 

Rey squeezes his fingers tightly. “Great,” she says. “Let’s go.” 

Ben leads her away from the dog park, skirting them around the stream of people still trickling toward the event. He hunches when he walks, back bent and gait slow. Like he can feel the weight of every pair of eyes that find him, stare at him. 

And, now that Rey’s noticed him noticing, she can feel them, too. 

An old lady frowning at him. A group of teenagers pointing obviously, trying for stealth. 

Rey curls her hand around his bicep, pulls herself against his side, and stares every last one of them down. 

At her first touch, Ben had tensed, but by the time they slow to a stop, his muscles are relaxed under her fingers, his back a little less sloped. That may also be due, in part, to where he’s brought them: a small thicket of trees next to a wide, open field. The same field she’d hosted her screening at, oddly enough. 

Once they’re under the trees, Rey releases her grip on his arm. After a brief moment of pause, Ben walks forward and sits down, tucking himself against a several hundred year-old water oak. 

It does funny things to her sense of scale. Next to the massive trunk, he looks almost normal. 

And also nervous. 

Clearly nervous. Anxiety builds, bubbling out of his skin. Rey sits on the ground in front of him, crossing her legs under her. She fidgets, picking at the hem of her dress to give him more time. 

It doesn’t seem to help, though. His brow furrows. His large hands clench so tightly in his lap that she’s afraid they might break. 

“It’s okay,” she says when the silence grows to be too much. “You don’t have to rush this. I’m not going anywhere.” 

He grimaces, then nods, but his knuckles are white in his lap. It doesn’t look like he believes her. 

She wants to reach forward, touch him, loosen his grip. Instead, she says, “You thought I was going to look at you and run away screaming. That I would never talk to you again. Do you remember?” 

Ben doesn’t meet her eyes. “Yes.” 

“Well, I’m looking now. And I’m going to _keep_ looking. I’m not going anywhere. No matter what you say.” 

Ben leans forward, pulling up his knees. “You will.” 

Frustration stirs in her gut. “Ben, come on, now. What did I just say? You don’t know how I’m going to feel, how I’m going to—” 

“I killed him,” he blurts out. 

Rey stops, mouth parted. 

Ben takes this in, exhales through his nose, and panics. “I killed him,” he says again. “Your grandfather. My—Palpatine. He’s dead. I killed him. I’m a murderer.” 

Time seems to slow. 

“Palpatine is dead?” she asks, not quite hearing herself. 

Ben nods, shaking so hard it looks like he might fall apart. “Yes. He’s dead. He’s dead, and I killed him. I didn’t mean to, but I killed him. He’s dead. He’s dead, and that makes me a murderer. You’ve been talking to a murderer, a _monster_ , and—” 

This time she does grab his hand. 

She leans forward, rising up on her knees and reaching out, wrapping both of her hands around his one. She squeezes as hard as she can. “Ben. Take a breath, okay?” 

He doesn’t. 

He looks as skittish as a deer, seconds from bolting. “But—” 

“A breath, Ben.” She inhales deeply to show him, her shoulders rising with it, her chest expanding, pushing against her dress. “Just breathe. Breathe with me. A deep breath, then hold it.” She smiles at him. “That’s it. Yes, that’s it. Exactly like that.” 

Slowly, Ben’s breathing evens. His shoulders relax. 

When he calms further, she squeezes his hand. “Now tell me what happened. You said you didn’t mean to?” 

“I _didn’t_.” 

Another squeeze. “I believe you,” she says. “What happened?” 

Ben takes a breath. It catches, hitches. He takes another. “I—I just wanted to leave my rooms. I wanted to go outside. Somewhere that wasn’t the lab or my rooms, but he wouldn’t let me, and I—I got mad. _So_ mad. So angry. I just started throwing things. Everything, anything I could find.” 

Something slithers down her throat and coils in her stomach. “He wouldn’t let you out?” she asks, feeling sick. “You weren’t allowed out of your room?” 

Ben shakes his head. He doesn’t seem to register the abject horror tinging her voice. 

“No. I was only allowed out sometimes, because of what would happen if people saw me, and then only if I was good.” 

She’s going to throw up. 

“He—he kept you locked up? You weren’t allowed to leave?” 

“He didn’t like me to go outside.” 

“No,” Rey says. “I don’t mean outside. I mean, leave. Leave as in go. Anywhere.“ 

Ben’s brows crease. “Where would I go? Where could I go, looking like this?” 

Rey feels like something has stabbed her in the lungs. Like she’s collapsing, pulling in on herself. “Anywhere,” she says. “Wherever you wanted.” 

“I just wanted to go outside,” Ben says, and he blurs in front of her. 

It takes Rey a second to realize she’s crying. When she does, the tears spill over, flowing freely. 

She ignores them, squeezing his fingers. “You should have been able to go outside, Ben.” 

Ben shakes his head, looking down at the ground. “That’s not the point. I don’t think you understand—” 

“I think I’m understanding plenty.” 

Feebly, he tries to pull back his hand. She doesn’t let him. And he doesn’t fight. 

“But—but I _killed_ him,” he says. 

“ _Good_.” 

Ben blinks. “W-what?” 

Something horrible rolls in her chest, pushing up, out. “ _Good,”_ she spits again, just as viciously as the first time. “He was old, and a bastard, and an evil fucking _remnant_ of a person. He _deserved_ to die.” 

Ben looks scared. Almost frustrated. “I killed him,” he repeats weakly. 

“I’m glad,” she says, and she looks him straight in the eye. “I don’t blame you for what happened, Ben. For hitting him. Hurting him. I would have too.” 

Ben looks horrified. “I didn’t hit him.” 

“You didn’t—” Rey rocks back on her heels. A thought occurs to her. Slowly, rising. “How, Ben? How did it happen?” 

“What do you mean? Don’t you—don’t you hear what I’m saying? I _killed_ him. I didn’t mean to, but I killed him.” 

Rey’s fingers work over his hand. “And I’m asking you how.” 

“I told you.” 

“No,” she says gently. “You told me you got mad at him. You told me you yelled at him.” 

“I did.” Helpless, frustrated tears build in his eyes. “And then he died.” 

Rey’s chest stutters. “So—so you’re telling me you didn’t touch him? You didn’t hit him? You just yelled, and he died?” 

“ _Yes_.” He’s crying now. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. It’s my fault. I was—I was _happy_ when he died.” 

“Oh, Ben,” she says, voice cracking. “Oh, Ben, that’s not your fault. That’s not even _close_ to your fault.” 

“But I yelled at him. Threw things. I’ve never been so overcome with rage.” 

“Ben.” Rey chokes on her tears. “That’s not murder. He just died. He was old.” 

His head shakes. His shoulders shake. “But I _knew_ he was old. I _knew_ he didn’t want to die. He was scared of dying. So scared. It was why he made me. He talked about it all the time.” 

“He was _ancient_ ,” Rey rebuts fiercely. “He should have died a long time ago. I don’t even know how he was still alive. By all rights, he should have been dead before I was born. Whatever happened, however he actually died, it’s not your fault.” 

Ben's breathing falters. Weakly he says, “But I killed him.” 

“You didn’t. That’s not murder, Ben. You’re not a murderer.” 

“But—I could have been. I was so mad. I was _happy_ he died.” 

Rey squeezes his hand. “ _I’m_ happy he’s dead, and he’s my grandfather. Do you think I’m culpable? That I’m at fault?” 

“No,” Ben says immediately. He shakes his head. He looks awful. Breakable. Confused. “You’re good. But I’m—I yelled.” 

And Rey can’t help it, she just—hugs him. 

Flings herself at him, more like. 

She pushes down his knees, climbs into his lap, and wraps her arms around his neck. 

It’s an ungraceful thing, her attempt. Her affections. Messy and tear-stained and far too intense. But she does it anyway. Tries anyway. Holds him tighter than she has ever held another person in her life. 

She hugs him, and Ben collapses. 

He slumps into her, burrowing his head in her neck and clinging to her, shoulders heaving with the force of his sobs. 

Rey strokes his hair. Over and over and over again, she strokes his hair. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I promised you, I promise you—it’s okay. It will be okay.” 

“I’m sorry,” he whimpers. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Oh, honey. You have nothing to be sorry for,” she says, crying with him. “It’s okay. You can cry. You can cry. Let it out.” 

He does. For several minutes. 

She holds him the entire time. Her heart feels battered, bruised, and larger than it could possibly, physically be. Like it’s about to burst right out of her chest. 

Ben quiets, but she keeps running her fingers through his hair. Strokes again. Again. 

“You’re not going back there,” she whispers, a fierce promise. 

Ben sniffles. He lifts his head up, wipes his eyes and his nose against the back of her sleeve. Fake blood from her neck has smeared itself across his cheek. His forehead. Everywhere. 

He looks awful. Terrifying. Rey doesn’t so much as blink. 

“What?” he asks. 

“You’re staying at Palpatine’s house?” she asks, and numbly, Ben nods. “That’s what I thought. You shouldn’t. You don’t have to.” 

He inhales weakly. “But I don’t—I don’t have anywhere else to—” 

“You can stay with me. For however long you need to, you can stay with me.” 

Ben looks like he’s going to start crying all over again, so Rey cups both sides of his face. “Listen to me. I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to. It’s your choice entirely. But if you don’t want to go back there, you don’t have to.” She pauses. Looks at him. “Do you want to go back there?” 

Ben shakes his head. 

“And do you want to stay with me?” 

“Yes,” he whispers. “Please.” 

“Alright,” she says, the matter settled. “Then you don’t ever have to go back there again.” 

“But I have to get—” 

“Not once. Not if you don’t want to. We can get you new things.” 

“But—“ He stares at her earnestly. “But Mitaka.” 

The cat. 

Rey lets out a breath. 

Oddly, she feels like laughing, and she does a little bit. “Alright,” she allows, giving him a warm smile. “We can get Mitaka. But then we go, okay?” 

“Okay,” Ben says. And cautiously, tremulously, he smiles back. 

  
  
  


**94.**

The Exegol Estate is the most disgustingly large house she’s ever seen. 

As Ben gathers his things, she hovers in the foyer, so alert that she nearly hops out of her skin when a grandfather clock chimes in the hallway six times.

She pulls out her phone.

Her stomach sinks.

## Finn Storm ⚡

####  **October 31,** 5:36 PM

    Rey?

    Hey
    Shit
    Hey
    I'm so sorry. I just woke up, I'm not feeling well
    I had a fever earlier and took off work. I was hoping to feel better by tonight but I'm not

    Oh no!!
    Oh no, Peanut, I'm so sorry!
    Do you want me to come over?? I can bring soup and things

    No
    No, thank you, but that's okay
    I'm sure it's just a 24 hour thing
    You should stay out! Have fun!! I'll be alright

    Are you sure?? I know Halloween is your favorite holiday :( 

    It is, but sometimes things happen, and that's okay
    I'm going to try and get some more sleep. I'm so sorry if I made y'all worry. Raincheck soon tho?

    Of course 💙💛
    And don't worry about us. We're just glad you're okay!!

  
  


**95.**

Her apartment is tiny and terrible. Her ceilings are only eight feet.

She doesn't know what she's doing. How to live with someone. How to help.

But, after Ben showers, she grabs food, and she turns on the projector, and she—

## Rose Tico

####  **October 31,** 7:15 PM

    Hey, babe
    I'm so sorry you're sick :((
    We're about to go grab a quick bite before drinks
    Are you sure we can't bring you anything?

    Hey! No! Oh my god, you're so sweet, but no
    I'm okay, really
    I don't want you coming over here and catching anything in case it's contagious

    I don't care about stinky old germs 💪

    It's really fine. I'm fine. I promise

    That's what you always say
    But I hate the idea of you being alone on Halloween. You love it so much

    I'm not alone

    ... you're not???

    No, I've got the Sanderson sisters with me
    

**Delivered**

    😂😂😂 lol you had me there for a minute

    I really am fine, Rose. Y'all have fun. ❤️ Have a shot or five for me

    You know I don't do shots 😠
    But I will make sure Finn & Poe take some 😇

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️ thanks again for checking in

    💞 of course. Feel better soon please!!

  
  


**96.**

How is she expected to go to work the very next day like nothing’s happened? 

Like her entire world hasn’t changed? 

Like she doesn’t have a nearly eight-foot-tall man and his cat sitting in her living room? 

Like she doesn’t—

## Ben 🦋🐶

####  **November 1,** 10:11 AM

    I hope you have a good day at work.
    That you for letting me and Mitaka stay here for now. We really appreciate your kindness. More than words can express.
    And you do have a nice place. You laughed last night when I said that, but I mean it.

    😂 okay, three things:
    1 - my place is an absolute shithole, you don't have to pretend
    2 - that said, please do make yourself at home. Watch whatever you want on the projector, eat anything you can find in the fridge
    3 - thank you for breakfast. You really did not have to make pancakes

    1) It's not. 
    2) Thank you very much.
    3) I was happy to. I'm glad you liked them. I'll be sure to make more next time.

    There doesn't need to be a next time!!
    This isn't a quid pro quo thing
    Do whatever you want!! I have a thousand and a half movies. Take advantage of them!!
    Or read!!
    Don't feel like you have to watch any of my movies. I know that's more my thing

    No, the movie last night was great. I really enjoyed watching it with you.

    😊
    Well, we can watch another one tonight!
    And until then, you should do whatever you want to today, okay?

    Okay. Thank you again, Rey. For everything.

    ❤️

####  **November 1,** 10:49 AM

    ❤️

  
  


**97.**

She can do movies. Movies, she can do.

She curls up on the couch, and Ben sits on the floor, and when he refuses to give input, she puts on something she knows he’s seen. 

Well, read. 

Overall, he says the adaptation is... fine. 

But that it does get some things right.

  
  
  
  


**98.**

Halloween night, she hadn't fought Ben when he insisted on taking the floor. 

She’d loaded him with blankets and pillows, and it wasn't exactly like he could fit on her bed. 

So, in some respects, things haven’t changed that much for her, having him around. 

In others... 

## Ben 🦋🐶

####  **November 2,** 7:01 AM

    Look how I woke up lol
    
    He's a big boy!! I about felt like I was suffocating

    😂 okay, three things:
    Oh no! I'm sorry. I was in the kitchen and didn't know he could get your door open!

    Oh, no, I don't mind!! I thought it was funny!
    What were you doing in the kitchen? Is that why it smells so good?

  
  
  
  


**99.**

That night, Ben once again politely/belligerently refuses to give input on the movie. 

But she can be stubborn, too. She waits him out.

Finally, he asks for something with a happy ending. Something from her childhood.

She knows just the thing. She just didn’t remember it being so—charged.

  
  
  
  


**100.**

And the charge keeps. Holds. Like something she can't shake. 

She’s bumping into Ben—everywhere. In the kitchen. The doorway. 

Her apartment is small. It shrinks. 

So when Mitaka zooms through the living room for no reason and knocks over Ben's journal, Rey promptly loses her mind.

  
  
  
  


**101.**

She—can't think. 

For a little. A minute. Longer. 

When she hears the shower turn off, she trips over herself to put his journal back exactly where she'd found it. 

Ben smiles shyly when he enters the room and asks about the movie. 

She picks the worst one imaginable.

  
  
  
  


**102.**

And she is— 

There's something wrong with her. With her heart. Her pulse. Her eyes. 

She keeps looking at his _lips_. Touching his _hand_.

When he asks if he can pick the movie, and holds up one of her favorites, Rey nearly starts laughing. 

But of course, she agrees.

  
  
  
  


**103.**

Movies are her first love language. 

Even when food was scarce, she had movies. Stories. 

They aren't perfect. Sometimes they're just an escape. 

But as Ben leans into her and smiles as the credits roll, Rey hears the soundtrack. And her breathing. A pounding in her ears. 

  
  
  
  


**104.**

But sometimes— 

Stories get it right.

  


  


  



	6. Ben

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long-ish chapter. buckle in/up.
> 
> next chapter coming very, very soon.

**105.**

  


  


**106 - 110.**

Her stomach drops. 

She’d risen so high, it’s like she’s plummeting. Panicking. 

Their kiss—had he not wanted her to? 

He’d kissed her back, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything. 

Had she misread the situation? Pushed herself on him? 

Gotten everything completely, horribly wrong? 

“Rey, you can’t. I’m—I’m a _monster_. You can’t.” 

Oh. 

_Oh_. 

She exhales, her panicked free fall slowing as understanding takes hold. It’s not quite a parachute, but it is enough for her to regain her bearings. 

She should have anticipated this. Should have known his brain would take him there. Here. 

“I’m sorry,” she says softly. “I’m sorry I just kissed you. That I didn’t ask you first.” Her hand reaches out toward him, hovering. She pulls it back. “Did you not want me to?” 

Ben shakes his head. “It’s not about what I want.” 

Rey feels like shaking, too. “Of course it is. _Of course_ it’s about what you want.” 

“It’s not.” 

“It _is_ ,” she says, as eloquent as a child and twice as frustrated. “It’s about what you want. What I want. What we want together.” 

“But—” 

“But nothing.” 

“But I’m a _monster_. I’m—” 

“You’re not.” 

“— _hideous_. Disgus—” 

“ _Don’t_ ,” Rey says, voice rough. “Don’t talk about my favorite person like that. Please.” 

Ben inhales so sharply it’s like she can feel it. Like he’s sucking the air right out of her lungs. 

Her hand twitches at her side. She wants to touch him. 

She doesn’t. 

“I’m sorry,” she says again. Her tone is gentle. Her fingers are curled tight. “If I pushed too fast, or did something you weren’t ready for, I’m sorry. Being with me—that isn’t something you have to do, now or ever. I need you to know that.” 

Ben looks away from her, his eyes falling to his lap. To his hands. 

The movement stings like rejection, but she tries her best not to let it show, watching him as he tugs on the sleeve of his long-sleeved shirt. He fiddles with it, pulling it to cover his wrist. 

Another tug, and Rey realizes that she’s never seen Ben’s forearm. Never seen him in anything but long shirts, long pants. 

He’s been covering himself. Hiding, this whole week. 

“How,” he murmurs, almost to himself. “I just don’t understand _how._ How you could want to—with me—with how I am.” 

She scoots forward on the couch, closer to him. Far away. 

“Howcould I _not?_ ” she asks, plaintive. “How could I not want to kiss you? Be with you?” Ben looks at her out of the corner of his eye. “You’re lovely, Ben. So lovely. So smart and kind and _good_.” She’s vibrating with how much she wants to touch him. To make him see. “How could I not want to be close to you?” 

Ben doesn’t answer her. Turns back to his lap. 

On her wall, the credits are rolling. The projector still running. 

And Rey feels, for the first time this week, lonely. And a little desperate with it. Lost. 

“Do you not want to—with me?” 

His head jerks up. 

“It’s okay if you don’t,” she says, attempting a smile. “The last thing I want to do is pressure you.” 

“You’re not,” he says. “It’s not that. You just—you don’t understand. You’re _beautiful_ , Rey. The most beautiful person—the most beautiful _soul_ —I’ve ever met or read about or hoped to know.” 

She bites her lip. Her eyes are burning. “You’re the same for me,” she whispers. 

Ben scoffs. 

Bitter. Loud. 

It lands like a blow, and Rey winces, pulling back. 

Ben notices. 

Stills, turning to her, cautious and concerned. 

Rey’s smile turns tremulous. “I haven’t... I haven’t had many people in my life. People who care about me. People I’ve let in.” The old bruise, the one she always fights to ignore, comes to the forefront of her consciousness. 

To move forward, she’ll have to lean on it. Press on it. “I care about you, Ben. You make me happy. I want to make you happy.” 

His eyes soften. Earnestly, he whispers, “You do.” 

“That’s good,” she says. “I want to. I don’t want to fuck this up.” 

“You could never.” 

Her breath sputters out of her, almost like a laugh. “Oh, I could,” she says. “I definitely could. People always leave. They never stay.” She inhales, pressing, pressing. “But I don’t want that to happen with you, Ben. I don’t want to mess things up.” 

“You aren’t.” 

“I _could_ ,” she says again. The bruise hurts. Throbs. “I want to be honest with you. I want to try. And to talk. To tell you how I feel.” She swallows, _pressing_. “I really like you.” 

Ben’s eyes search her face. She wills him to see her. She wants it so bad. 

Softly, he says, “I really like you, too.” 

A smile slips out, and something sparks in her, close to hope. She leans forward, reaching. Pressing hard enough that her eyes start to water with it. 

“Would you like to try? Would you like to try, being with me?” 

She’s on the edge of the couch. The edge of a precipice. 

Ben’s eyes are on her. He doesn’t look away. 

“Yes,” he breathes. 

Her heart lifts, soaring. 

Rey smiles. Grins. “Really?” 

Ben looks scared, and hopeful. A mirror of her heart. He nods. 

Tears prick her eyes. “Can I—” she laughs, watery, “Can I touch you? Hold your hand?” 

Ben inhales raggedly. He shifts closer to her. “Yes.” 

Somehow, her grin widens. 

Ben is large. Too large to fit in her bed. Too large to sit on her couch. 

He can’t fit either of those places, no. But she can fit on the floor. 

She sinks down to the carpet, breath held, shoulder pressing along his arm. Ben stills next to her, tensed. Taut. Nearly quivering with it. 

But he reaches out his hand. 

And Rey takes it. 

Threads her fingers through his slowly. Guides his hand into her lap. 

They sit together, breathing. Staring. 

His skin is warm. His hand engulfs hers, his fingers so much bigger, wider than her own. 

“You’re perfect,” Rey whispers. 

She feels like she can breathe again. She feels like she can fly. 

Ben squeezes her hand lightly. In a choked voice, he says, “You are, too.” 

Rey leans her head against his arm, snuggling into him. 

What she really feels is comforted. Wanted. It’s a gift she can’t remember ever being given before. 

They stay together like that for a long time. Eventually, Rey gets up and restarts the movie on her laptop, setting it to a loop, a thinly veiled attempt at giving them more time. 

Ben doesn’t voice a single objection. When she sinks back down to the floor, his palm is out, reaching, waiting for her. 

Rey smiles. She holds his hand, leaning against him as the lights flicker, move and dance along the wall. 

At some point, she must fall asleep, because when her eyes blink open, her head is in Ben’s lap. His hand is in her hair. Combing, blissful. 

“Do you—do you want to go to bed now?” he whispers, his voice cracking a little. 

She doesn’t. 

She doesn’t want to leave him. 

“Can I stay here?” she murmurs, closing her eyes again. “With you?” 

Ben mumbles something. She can’t hear what. 

But the next time she blinks, a pillow is under her head. A blanket is pulled over her arms. She shuffles closer to him, exhausted, happy. 

She breathes him in. She falls asleep. 

And, as she does, she feels his lips press lightly, gently against her forehead. 

  
  


**111.**

She wakes with the projector looping. The movie playing.

She also wakes in Ben’s arms.

He’s curled around her, holding her. 

Rey is happy. Terrified. She doesn't dare to breathe.

Ben stirs anyway, shifting against her.

So she inhales. Steals herself. Looks at him, smiling. 

"Hey."

  
  


**112.**

“Hi," Ben says softly. 

He ducks his chin, looking at her.

And then he smiles back.

  
  


**113.**

She has to race to get ready, to not be late for work. 

But Ben is frowning, so she stops in the hall midway through pulling up her hair. "You okay?"

"I wanted to make you breakfast," he grumbles. 

Rey barks a laugh, utterly delighted. Unbelieving.

Ben makes her coffee instead.

  


## Ben 🦋🐶

####  **November 6,** 9:57 AM

    I miss you

    You just left for work. You've been gone twenty minutes.

    Doesn't matter
    I still miss you
    I miss you already
    Is that silly to say?

    No.
    I miss you too, Rey. The second you stepped out the door, I started missing you.

    Will you be annoyed if I just text you all day?

+1 (743) 555-0178
    

  
  


**114.**

They text the entire day. 

Rey feels a little guilty, having her phone pressed so close to her face at work, but the only people who come into the gallery are the two judgy old Francescan nuns, same as always. 

So maybe she texts. 

Maybe she... flirts.

  


## Ben 🦋🐶

####  **November 6,** 5:41 PM

    Okay, but no
    You have to watch it
    It's a classic!!
    Sigourney Weaver is so good in it!!!
    I used to pretend Ellen Ripley was my mom
    That she was just out in space, coming back soon

    I watched the trailer on my phone. It looks scary, Rey.

    It's not that scary!!
    We can watch it together
    And besides, it's only jump scares!
    Well, mostly only jump scares
    You can hold my hand through the whole thing
    Squeeze it whenever you find yourself getting anxious

    That'd likely be the whole film.

    Oh, would it?? 🥰🥰

    Rey?

    Yes? 🥰🥰🥰

    Are you teasing me?

    No 😇
    I'm flirting with you 🥰😘
    There's a difference

  
  


**115.**

And maybe he flirts too. 

  


    Would you still flirt with me if we watched something else tonight?

    WITHOUT QUESTION
    Yes!!
    Of course
    What would you like to watch?

    I was looking at your Letterboxd, and it seems like you watch Matilda a lot. Could we watch that?

    Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    Bennnnnnnn

    What? What's wrong?

    I forgot I gave you access to that!
    It's embarrassing! 🙈

    I don't think it's embarrassing. But I won't look anymore if you don't want me to.

    No
    No, it's okay
    And yes, we can definitely watch it. It's a good movie
    Not scary at all

    ❤️
    Will you still hold my hand?

  
  


**116.**

They do hold hands. For the entire movie. After. 

As they curl up on the floor, Ben whispers to her. Tells her about the first book he remembers reading. How it made him feel hopeful. Alive. 

They talk for hours. 

For the second night in a row, Rey doesn't sleep in her bed.

  
  
  
  
  


**117.**

The next morning, he kisses her awake. 

  
  


**118.**

It’s easy to forget that there’s a world outside of her apartment. 

With everything happening, with how her life is starting to feel like something that's good and blossoming and new, it's very easy. 

Even work is just an eight-hour blip. 

But also, sometimes, it's not.

  


## Ben 🦋🐶

####  **November 8,** 12:48 PM

    I think you'd like it!

    How many times do I have to tell you?? I'm dyslexic!!
    Even texting is challenge sometimes

    You said you haven't read a book since high school. Give it another shot.

    I'll watch the mini-series with you. This is my compromise
    It's like 6 hours long

    What about Northanger Abbe? It's much shorter and a satire about gothic novels. You'd love it.

    🙅🏻♀️🙅🏻♀️🙅🏻♀️🙅🏻♀️🙅🏻♀️
    No 19th century literature!!!!

  


## Luke - Work

####  **November 8,** 1:09 PM

    Rey, I don't know if you just got a boyfriend or you've started a second job or what, but you need to at least PRETEND to work.

    Sorry, Luke. Putting my phone away now.

  
  


  


## Finn Storm ⚡

    And don't worry about us. We're just glad you're okay!!

####  **November 1,** 8:09 PM

    Hey, Peanut. Thinking about you. Feeling any better?

####  **November 4,** 4:06 PM

    The dollar theater has a truly horrendous line-up this weekend. If you're feeling up to it, wanna spend a fiver and go to town like the good ol' days?

####  **November 8,** 2:21 PM

    Rey
    Peanut
    I'm starting to get worried about you
    Can you text me back, let me know you're okay?

  


## Rose Tico

####  **November 2,** 9:44 AM

    Hope you're feeling better!!
    Sorry for not texting before, I was stupidly hungover
    But, on the upside, the next time I see you, I can show you about a thousand pictures from my camera roll
    Finn & Poe finally, FINALLY kissed! (Like, in PUBLIC!!) And I caught the moment!!
    I can't wait to show you!!!!!!

####  **November 5,** 8:47 PM

    Rey? Babe, you feeling okay? We haven't heard from you and are getting a little worried.

####  **November 8,** 2:59 PM

    Rey? I'm coming over after work if I don't hear from you, I stg

  
  


**119.**

With Luke deciding he gives a shit for once, it's a miracle she sees their texts at all. 

But as soon as she does, she runs straight to the bathroom, slams the door shut, and rattles off what is—objectively speaking—an entirely unhinged response. 

  


## 2 People

####  **November 8,** 4:34 PM

    Hey!! Hey, I'm so sorry for dropping off the face of the earth like that!!
    I'm fine, I promise, I just got behind on work from being sick and wrapped up in editing a thing, and I'm really okay, I promise I'm okay you don't need to come over

Rose Tico
    You sure? Because you don't sound fine
    You sound pretty fucking weird if I'm being honest

    No, I'm sorry, I know I do
    I just feel bad

Finn Storm ⚡
    We were really worried about you, Peanut
    I was about to pick up Rose and drive over there
    I think we still might

    No
    Don't
    I'm at work right now
    I'm not home

Finn Storm ⚡
    Well then as soon as 5 hits, we're coming to the gallery
    See you in a few ✌️

    You guys

Finn Storm ⚡
    ✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️

  
  


**120.**

Their visit is not short. It's an hour at least. 

And it’s nice, talking with them. 

Also draining. Stressful. Because they want to hang out—to catch up and grab drinks—but all Rey can think about is Ben.

At home. Alone.

But they're insistent, so she says, "Tomorrow."

  


## 2 People

    Finn

Rose Tico
    ✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️  
✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️

    Rose

####  **November 8,** 4:56 PM

    Alright, see you in a few
    You'll be numbers four and five to come in today, btw

Finn Storm ⚡
    We're packing up at work now, try to sound a little more excited

    You're right, I'm sorry. Looking forward to seeing you both soon ❤️

  


## Ben 🦋🐶

    Okay, my boss is actually trying to be a boss for once
    I need to stop texting for a little

    Of course! I don't want you to get in trouble because of me.

    You're not trouble at all
    Or maybe the right kind of trouble. I can't decided
    But I'll ttys & be thinking about you until then

    I'll be doing the same. ❤️

####  **November 8,** 5:01 PM

    Hey so some of my friends are surprising me with a stop to the gallery. It'll probably be quick, but I wanted to let you know because I may get back to the apartment later than normal :( 

    Oh, okay. Yes, of course, that's fine!
    Thank you for letting me know! I hope you have fun with them.

  
  


**121.**

Ben had kissed her at the door when she came home, then shut down entirely when she’d asked if he wanted to go out to drinks the next day. 

She’d said she’d just cancel. 

He’d asked her not to.

And now she’s walking to the bar—to _happy_ hour—wishing she were anywhere but.

  


## Ben 🦋🐶

####  **November 9,** 6:17 PM

    Are you sure you don't want to go?

    Rey, you know I can't.

    I understand feeling uncomfortable in public, but I could invite them over? After? Grab a 6pack and then they could come over for a movie?
    They're very nice! They'll love you, I promise!

    Rey, please, PLEASE don't do that. I promise I'm okay waiting, but please don't do that.
    Please. I can't handle it right now.

    Okay!
    Okay, I won't. I promise. I'm sorry for pushing, I'll drop it

  


## 2 People

####  **November 9,** 6:14 PM

Rose Tico
    We've got a pitcher and are waiting in the back
    You're still coming right?

    Yeppppp
    I'm almost there, be there in 5

Finn Storm ⚡
    🍺🍻🍺🍻🍺🤗🥰🥳🥳🥳
    Yayyyyyyyyy

Rose Tico
    Sweet!!
    Can't wait, but also hurry up & buckle up. The pitcher Finn got is Stout and also like 8%

  
  


**122.**

One pitcher leads to another. 

Rose is an enabler, and fun, and Rey hates things going to waste, so she stays. Drinks. 

Rose also pulls up her camera roll. Starts sharing, in vibrant color, Finn and Poe’s public Halloween kiss. 

Finn fidgets, blushes, smiles. 

Rey—texts.

  


## Ben 🦋🐶

####  **November 9,** 7:36 PM

    Okay so I may be both for longer than I thought
    OUT
    I may be out for longer than I thought

    That's okay! Really, Rey, take your time.

    I'm thinking about you are you thinking about me?

    Yes, Rey, I'm thinking about you.

    How??

    How what?

    How are u thinking about me???
    Because I'm thinking about kissing you on the face

    I was thinking about your eyes and the way the crinkle at the corners when you laugh or smile or discover something new.
    But now I'm also thinking about kissing you. One the face.

    
    Here you go then 🥰🥰

    You're beautiful, Rey. Did you take that just now?

    Just now & just for you 😘 I used your signature be technique & everything

  


  
  


**123.**

Finn likes tequila. 

Rey likes Ben. 

  


## Ben 🦋🐶

    I like you in color.

    Hmmmmmmmm

    What does that mean?

    
    Now we match

    I still don't understand.

    🦋🦋🦋🦋🐶🐶

    That doesn't clear anything up for me, Rey.

####  **November 9,** 8:25 PM

    Have you ever taken a shot???

    No, I've never been shot. Have you been shot??

    Hahahahahaaaaa
    No, like a drink. Like alcohol
    Finn is obssessedd and Rose won't take them and that leaves me

    No, I don't think I've ever drank alcohol

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    What? Are you okay?
    I'm having trouble following you.

  
  


**124.**

Finn also likes Poe. He's apparently joining them for dinner. 

And by them, she means Finn and Rose.

Rey has other plans.

  


## Ben 🦋🐶

    We are drinking! TONIGHT!!!
    THIS IS GOINB TO BE SO MUCB FUN IM GOING TO CALL A LUFT
    I've got some bourbon and maybe a couple mini bottles of vodka somewhere I think but I could stop at Harris Teet and get beer or wine if you want
    Which???

    Which what?

    Which do you want???

    I want you.

    You have me 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🔥🔥🥰🔥🥰🥰🥰🥰

    Then bourbon? If you have it at the apartment?

  


## Finn Storm ⚡

    Rose and I were just talking about food so I know you must really be in it if you aren't weighing in on where we're going next
    Who's got you texting them like that??? You got a sweetie over there peanut??

    I don't know what you're talking about I haven't the faintest clue
    Yoy're the one with the boyfriend that you can kiss now stop projecting

    So you're not texting somebody over there? I'm just imagining it??

    I am texting someone but if you don't know what I'm saying it's bc you're not on the thread
    Whoops lol sorry

**Read**

  
  


**125.**

It's not fair. 

Her out. Him in. It's not _fair_.

So, she leaves. Goes home.

  
  


  
  


**126.**

She kisses Ben on the face as soon as she gets back. Eats her weight in the pasta he made. Kisses him again. 

She introduces him to bourbon and watches eagerly to see if it takes effect. (Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to—he's just so _big_.)

And then, somehow, she coaxes him into a walk.

  


  
  


**127.**

It had been good. Great. Walking around with him. Getting him _out_. 

Then she throws her entire day up in some overgrown shrubbery and Ben has to half-carry her back to the apartment while several neighborhood lights flick on. 

And that is not as great.

  


  
  


**128.**

The next morning, she sits in the shower and thinks about how Ben has to sit in the shower, too. How he’s hit his head on the kitchen doorframe at least twenty times. 

How people aren’t meant to be locked up. To stay inside.

But—he says he’s happy. 

He says he’s happy.

  
  


**129.**

She's hungover and feeling sorry for herself and trying to forget about how Ben had had to help her brush her teeth last night. 

She has to Lyft to work, since she'd left her car there last night, and the unbudgeted $11 feels like another stab—almost excessively cruel. 

Her day drags, uneventful.

  


## Ben 🦋🐶

####  **November 10,** 2:44 PM

    Rey, I'm sorry to bother you at work, especially when I know you're not feeling well, but someone keeps knocking at the door, and I'm not sure what to do.
    They've been knocking for several minutes.
    They're trying the door knob now
    It's locked, but I didn't set the deadbolt earlier

    Shit, are you okay??
    Is it Finn??
    Rose??

    I'm not sure
    I don't know, I can't tell

  
  


**130.**

Until it's not.

  


## Ben 🦋🐶

    I'm calling you right now

    Wait
    Wait, I think they've stopped now
    I think they're leaving

    Shit, Ben
    Fuck
    I'm coming home

    No, I think it's okay now
    I'm sorry to bother you

    Absolutely never feel bad for texting me
    I've already told my boss I had a family emergency. Leaving now

  
  


**131.**

She's home in record time. 

Finn and Rose aren't around when she gets there. There's no sign of anyone at all. 

Well, almost no sign. 

On her dirty old welcome mat, there's card. And, on the back of that card, two words:

_**CALL ME.** _

  


  
  


**132.**

She shuts the door and locks it. Slams the deadbolt and considers blockading the entryway with the couch. Maybe also the fridge.

"Rey," Ben says. "You're home."

She turns, exhaling roughly. Her hand trembles as she holds out the card. "Do you know who this is?"

  
  
  


  
  


**133.**

Rey is pacing. Panicking.

“Do you know him? Have you ever spoken to him?”

“No—no, I’ve never spoken with him.” Ben looks pale. So much paler than usual. Like he might faint. “But,” he says softly, “I have been in contact with him.”

And then he holds out his phone. 

  


  
  


**134.**

It's not his phone.

Ben’s, that is. It isn’t his phone. 

It's— _god_.

What had she thought, that Ben had gone down to the Apple store? That her grandfather had started a _family_ plan? 

No. It isn’t Ben’s phone. 

  
  


  
  


**135.**

“You’ve been texting me with his phone? I’ve been texting from _grandfather’s_ phone?”

Her _dead_ grandfather's phone.

Dead. As in, not living.

Not living, as in—

“Ben, does anyone know he’s dead?”

  


  
  


**136.**

"No."

She hadn’t been thinking. She hadn’t been thinking at all. Palpatine was dead, and good-goddamn-riddance, but— 

No one knew. At least not yet.

He was a billionaire, though. People would worry. 

People _were_ worrying. 

"Fuck."

  
  


**137.**

Ben’s face crumples. “I’m sorry.”

“This isn't your fault, Ben. We both had blinders on.” 

“I—I just wanted to be with you.”

Rey takes his hand. “You are with me."

"He said that if people found me, discovered what I—"

"No," she says. " _No_. That isn't going to happen.”

  
  
  
  


  
  


**138.**

Maybe Snoke was tracking Palpatine’s phone. Maybe he had access to his call logs. Maybe he was looking for next of kin.

The how, the why—it didn’t matter. Rey doesn’t care.

He isn't taking Ben. 

  
  
  
  


  
  


**139.**

She closes Tor, head in her hands. “I don’t know how we can afford this.”

“Rey, I said I had money.”

“Credit can be traced.” 

“No,” Ben says, then goes to the closet for one of his bags. “I was—going to give this to you for rent.”

Rey opens the duffel. “Holy shit.” 

  
  


**140.**

Money? It's an answer.

She has never in her life received a faster reply.

  


  
  


**141.**

“You ready?” she asks. It’s early. They’ve both packed light.

Ben nods. “I just need to do one last thing on this phone before we get rid of it.”

"Same," Rey says, holding her own.

## 2 People

####  **November 12,** 5:07 AM

    Please understand that I never meant for this to happen. If, perhaps, things were different, if people were different, if I were different—
    But I'm not different. And I had to do this.
    I hope one day I'll be able to explain. I hope one day, you'll be able to understand.
    I don't think I've ever said it, but I love you both. I feel like a monster for what I'm about to do. I probably am one.
    And I know I'm not making sense right now. That's just another thing I hope you'll forgive me for, because I do genuinely hope to speak to you two again someday. But I can't say more, and that day won't be soon.
    I'll see you both again.

  
  


**142.**

She does not agonize over her decision.

She hurts, she grieves, but she’s not torn.

-

They disappear. 

## 2 People

####  **November 12,** 7:01 AM

Rose Tico
    What the hell is this, Rey?
    It isn't fucking funny

Finn Storm ⚡
    Peanut, we know you're mad about the bar, and I know we haven't been spending as much time together lately with me dating Poe, but this is actually scary. Please call me back.
    Rey, seriously, please answer your phone.

####  **November 12,** 8:37 AM

Finn Storm ⚡
    Rey, I'm outside. Open the door
    Please answer me, Rey

  
  



	7. Honey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for interested parties, rey has an IUD (with several years left), but as i didn't include that bit of info in-text, y'all can do what you want with it, including laugh @ me for putting it here. 
> 
> yes, this is _that_ chapter. 
> 
> no shame in this game. 
> 
> enjoy 8k of sweet, tender lovin' ✌️

**143.**

It’s cold out. 

Much colder than anything she’s used to or known. A week and two hours outside of Fairbanks, and she’s still adjusting to the weather. The _snow_. 

The cast-iron stove keeps her warm. 

Ben does, too. 

A cross-country drive, sketchy boat ride, bush plane flight, and a staggering amount of cash later, and they’d made it: 

Nowhere, Alaska. 

It’s like something out of a dream. A film. 

Rey can picture the establishing aerial shot now—and has, in fact, seen it. The pointed treetops, the frozen pond, the open, snowy plain. 

And then: their cabin. Their _house_. A small wooden thing surrounded by snow, reminding her of hand-me-down Lincoln logs stacked together on a high pile white carpet. 

Picturesque, Ben had called it. _Beautiful_. 

And it was. 

It is. 

It’s theirs. 

Their Craigslist contact—and bush plane pilot—Maz had lived up to her word. 

An isolated property. No real maintenance needed, no repairs. True, it was without many of the amenities she’d become accustomed to, like central heating and reliable Internet, but it had water and a generator and everything else they actually needed. 

And Maz had been wonderful. Despite being the smallest woman Rey had ever met, she hadn’t batted an eye at Ben’s height or the balaclava he’d worn. She’d just pursed her lips and nodded once, businesslike, then shuttled them over into the remote, central part of the state. She’d dropped them off with a few crates of canned food, propane, some cold-weather gear, and a prepaid satellite phone, all as promised. 

And then she’d left, and they could breathe. 

For a week now, they could breathe. 

The change in Ben—Rey can’t describe. 

He walks without hunching. Smiles without prompting. He spends much of his time outside. 

Their cabin door swings open, hinges creaking. An icy gust of wind curls into the living room, nipping at Rey’s skin. 

Ben ducks inside, neck bending so he can fit through the door. The pale side of his face is chapped pink from the cold. A small, private smile tugs at his lips as he closes the door. Slips off his boots. 

From her place in front of the fire, Rey looks up, watching him. 

She smiles, too. “Can you come over here?” she calls. “I’m cold.” 

Ben peels off his coat and hangs it on the rack. “You’re in front of the fire,” he says, but his smile has grown a notch, lopsided and lovely. 

Fondness blooms in Rey’s chest even as she huffs, whining a little. “Yes, but at one point I had a cat on my lap. Mitaka’s left me to go chase some unseen ghost or another, so all I’m left with is this useless book.” She slumps a little, playing up the pout. “I need you.” 

The pleased expression that crosses Ben’s face makes her act worth it. As he walks over to her, the unscarred side of his mouth pulls up further, tugs higher. 

He knows how to make her warm, and he’s good at it. Seems to like doing it. 

He sinks to the ground behind her, settling down easily. His large legs bracket her hips, his thick arms snake around her waist. Comfort settles over her like a weighted blanket. 

“Is this okay?” he asks, a little shy, even now. 

Rey hums, leaning back against him. Against his hard chest, his solid presence. She’s surrounded by warmth. 

Her eyes close. 

“Am I meant to take that as a yes?” 

Rey turns her head, snuggling against him. “Mm-hmm,” she says, nudging him with her nose. The soft wool of his sweater tickles her cheek. 

A fond laugh puffs out of Ben, jostling her head slightly. Rey smiles, eyes closed. 

They aren’t out of the woods yet. There’s a chance they won’t ever be. 

A kernel of worry still nags at her, and occasionally flares to life— _they’ll find you, they’ll catch you, they’ll take him away_ —but, at the moment, Ben is here with her. Surrounding her and solid. The kernel shrinks. Becomes something she can push down, away, until it’s no longer noticeable next to the light of the fire and the heat of Ben’s touch.  
  
She’s done all she can. Has put that cash to good use. The choices leading them here—she wouldn’t change them. 

Most of them hadn’t even been choices at all. 

“What are you reading?” Ben asks, hand settling over hers. His skin is cold. Warming. 

“Nerd,” she mumbles. 

Ben sighs at her teasing, audibly pleased. “ _Rey.”_

She presses her lips together in a poor attempt to fight back her smile. “The first page. Again. For the seventeenth time.” 

Ben plucks the book from her lap. She can’t see him, but she can just imagine him holding it up to his face, brows furrowing, squinting adorably. 

“ _Pride and Prejudice_?” he asks. 

One of the few books—things, really—they’d allowed themselves to bring.  


A smile slips out. “Yeah. Or, that was the plan, anyway. Not sure if what I’ve done can be called reading, though.” 

At once, Ben’s free hand comes up to the crown of her head. She’s pushed further against his chest in a brief, firm press. 

The impulse—his action—it’s an unmistakable burst of affection. One Rey recognizes and thrills at. 

But then his burst tapers out, his grip loosening. His strong fingers begin to card through her hair, his nails gently scraping along her scalp. Soothing, lovely. So lovely. 

She melts. 

It’s almost instantaneous, what happens. Or perhaps it had already been happening, and she’s just been made aware. Either way, her muscles relax, and her mind goes sort of fuzzy, filling with the most delicious warmth. 

She’s pliant. Floaty. 

Content. 

Her hand comes up to curl in his sweater. Her head moves with his every breath. 

Softly, Ben clears his throat. 

“Could I—would you like me to read to you?” 

  
  
  
  
  


She wakes sometime later, eyes blinking open as Ben carefully lifts her from his lap and deposits her on the pile of blankets, comforters, and pillows that comprise their makeshift bed. The firelight flickers, casting the room with a warm orange glow. 

Rey rolls on her side, curling her legs. As she snuggles deeper into the blankets, Ben presses a kiss to her forehead. 

His lips linger for the length of an exhale. Longer. 

Rey holds the moment close. 

When he pulls back, she keeps her head down for a moment, careful to maintain the illusion of sleep. But then the moment passes, and she sneaks a glance up at him. 

He’s midway to standing. From her prone angle, he looks impossibly tall, even more so than normal. Oblong, almost larger than life. 

Shadows play along the wall as Ben straightens his rumpled clothing. His shirt, his pants. And then, immediately after, his— 

Himself. 

He adjusts _himself_. 

Subtly, but unmistakably. 

Rey gasps. 

Somehow, Ben doesn’t hear her. He turns and heads, stiff-legged, in the general direction she knows their bathroom to be. 

Rey presses her head into a pillow, eyes shutting tightly. Quite suddenly, she feels wide awake. Like her heart is present and beating in her throat. 

In the distance, wood creaks. The sound grows more faint. 

“Ben?” she calls, his name half-muffled against her pillow. She turns, pulse hammering, feigning a yawn. 

His footsteps halt. 

“Ben?” she sleep-mumbles again, a little louder this time. She rolls onto her back and stretches, causing her shirt to crawl up her midriff. “Did I fall asleep?” 

He doesn’t move. Seconds pool before he answers. 

“You did, yes.” He sounds fond, almost indulgent. “I only made it about three pages in.” 

“It’s not my fault you’re so comfortable,” she says. She lifts on her elbows, squinting around in the dark. “Where are you? Can you come back here? I miss you.” 

She doesn’t have to ask again. 

Stiltedly, awkwardly, Ben crosses the room. 

He sits down next to her on the rug, knees raised high between them. 

Heat sparks low in Rey’s belly. 

She scoots closer, inching over to him. Her hand brushes against the side of his massive thigh. Ben tenses at her touch, thigh hardening to solid muscle, and the spark catches. The heat spreads. 

Rey’s heart thumps in her ears. 

She still hasn’t seen him without his shirt. They haven’t progressed past kissing. Pecks hello, pecks goodbye. Sweet kisses—sometimes desperate kisses—but still only kisses nonetheless. 

She wants more of him. 

All of him. 

And she knows he wants her, too. 

On the rare occasion when she manages to wake before him, she’s felt him. Felt him spooned up behind her, surrounding her, pressing her close to him like he thinks she might leave— 

Some things are hard to hide. 

“What time is it?” she asks, stretching again, curving her back and lifting her arms over her head. 

Ben’s knees hitch up higher. “Late. Past dinner. Would you like me to go check?” 

No. 

No, definitely not. 

She shakes her head, staring up at him. “Can you stay with me for a little? I want to be close to you.” 

Momentarily, Ben seems torn. 

But then his face softens, head tilting as he looks down at her. His eyes shine a little. Fill with something she can see even in the dim light—an emotion she’s becoming more and more accustomed to, even if it’s sometimes hard for her to look at directly. 

His hand takes hers. “Of course, Rey.” 

Their fingers lace together, warm and perfect, and she loves him. 

She loves him. 

The feeling is familiar and overwhelming and expands beyond her. 

Like her heart is too big for her chest. Like there’s no room for anything else. She can hardly breathe. 

Bottom lip between her teeth, she pulls his hand into her lap. She rearranges their grip so that she’s cradling the back of his palm. He’s so much larger than her, stronger than her, but he goes along with her easily. 

Her thumb traces his palm. Purposeful, mesmerized. Light, concentric circles. 

Barely there. Hardly touching him. 

Ben shivers. 

“You have the best hands,” she says, a whisper between them. Her thumb traces, again and again. “I love them.” 

“You’ve said that before,” Ben murmurs, dazed. 

She glances up to check on him, but he doesn’t appear to notice, entranced as he is with her every touch. Every move. 

“I meant it then, too.” Her thumb trails over, circles down. “Have I told you I love your wrists?” she asks, skirting near the edge of his sweater. The sensitive skin there. 

Ben swallows heavily. “No. Um, no—I don’t think you have.” 

“I should have,” she says. “I do.” 

She lifts his hand to her mouth. Again, Ben lets her, expression rapt as she kisses the inside of his wrist. 

His skin is smooth. Soft. 

She kisses it slowly. Lips pillowing out and mouth sucking gently. A brush of teeth. 

Ben’s hand shakes. 

Rey looks up from under her lashes, meeting his eyes. She nibbles on his wrist. 

“Rey,” Ben exhales roughly. He looks stupefied. Like someone’s knocked him over the head. “What are you doing?” 

She sucks harder, then laves lightly with her tongue. 

Maintaining eye contact, she says, “Kissing you.” 

Ben sways toward her. The yellowed, scarred side of his face is mostly expressionless. His eyes are so dark they’re practically black. 

Her lips brush the sleeve of his sweater. She tilts his arm slightly, angling it so the fabric slopes down, bunching, exposing his skin. 

Ben rips his hand back like she’s burned him. 

Rey blinks. A cord of scar tissue flickers, a memory against her lips. 

Ben’s mouth is parted, and his arm is curled over his chest. 

Rey takes this in, blinking again, until eventually, finally, rational thought takes over. Panic spikes. 

“I’m sorry,” she says quickly. 

Ben grimaces, pulling back. “No,” he says. “No, it’s my fault.” 

“It’s not.” 

“No. No, it is. You were just touching me, and I couldn’t—I didn’t—” His eyes close, brow furrowing. His head shakes. 

Her heart pushes against her chest. She can’t take it. 

“I was trying to seduce you,” she says, the words spilling from her in a loud, pathetic rush. 

Ben’s eyes open, but they’re clouded. He stares at her like he can’t quite see her. Like a thousand questions are running through his head. 

The one he settles on is: “ _Why?”_

Rey swallows. 

She shifts her legs up closer to her. In front of them, the fire pops, the wood crackles. But all she can hear is her heart pounding in her ears. 

“Because I love you,” she says, terrified and smiling helplessly. “I want to be close to you.” 

Ben flinches. He rocks back, away from her. 

It’s a sharp twinge in her breast. 

“I’m sorry,” she says, staring up at him. “I should have just talked to you. Told you.” The air feels thick, heavy. Her voice wavers. “I’m telling you now.” 

“You love me?” he asks like it’s news to him. Like he really doesn’t know. 

“Well, yeah,” she says, making a sound that could almost be confused for laughter as she looks around the cabin, then back to him. 

Back to him, scared and achingly vulnerable. 

She sobers, her heart pulling taut. “Yes. I do. More than I’ve ever loved anyone.” 

His lips part. The way he’s looking at her, holding himself—it’s like he’s in pain. 

“You don’t have to say anything,” she says. “You don’t have to do anything, either. I just wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know.” 

“You—” Ben stops. It’s like he’s caught, hooked on something. A thread unraveling, snagged and pulling. “You mean it?” 

“Of course I do,” she says. “I love you.” 

“I—” 

“You don’t have to say anything. You really don’t.” 

So he doesn’t. 

But his hand finds hers again, covering it. Dwarfing it. 

Her lips tremble. She inhales thickly, then looks up at him, smiling. Tears prick her eyes. “I do love you, Ben. And I want to love all of you. I want to _know_ all of you.” 

His eyes fall to the floor. 

It looks too much like he’s hanging his head. 

“I asked you before, but do you want me, Ben? Because I want you. To be with you. _Touch_ you.” 

He squeezes her hand. “You are.” 

“And I’m so _happy_ about that,” she says a little wetly, squeezing back. “I love you. But Ben—you’ve never—I’ve never seen you without your shirt on.” 

“I’ve never seen you without _your_ shirt on, either,” he says, almost too low for her to hear. 

It sounds close to—petulant, and Rey straightens. Almost laughs. 

“You’re right,” she says. “You haven’t.” 

She takes off her shirt. 

Leans back, gently extracting her hand from his, and pulls it right over her head. 

Ben stares. At her. At her bra. The dingy, once-white one with the worn elastic straps. She reaches behind her and takes that off, too. 

A choked noise catches in his throat. 

Rey can see his eyes dilate. Can _feel_ the weight, the want in his stare. 

But he doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t move. 

And—Rey is comfortable with her body. At this point in her life, at least. But after what feels like an age of inaction, a blush heats her neck. Her naked chest. She shifts. 

“We don’t _need_ to have sex, Ben. We don’t need to do anything. I know your heart. That’s enough for me.” 

Ben exhales roughly. It sounds relieved. 

Relieved, and: “So, you don’t want to—with me?” 

“No,” she says, reaching for him. “No, that’s not it at all. I want more of you. All of you. Whatever you’ll give me. Whatever you _want_ to share.” 

Ben hesitates. The vulnerability in his eyes is painful. A living thing. 

Rey grips his hand. “I’m not going to change my mind.” 

“I want to be with you.” In a smaller voice, he says, “What do I need to do?” 

A heaviness floods her chest. How is she getting this so wrong? 

“You don’t _need_ to do anything, Ben. You’re with me already. You have me.” 

“But—what do you want? What do you want to do?” 

“Whatever _you_ want,” she says, emphatic and a little desperate, widening her eyes, willing him to see. 

But he doesn’t. Can’t. “I don’t—I want what you want.” 

“And _I_ want what _you_ want,” she says, trying not to cry. “See? We’re the same.” 

“The same,” he repeats, looking at her. His Adam's apple bobs in his throat. 

And then, almost like it’s happening in slow motion, he takes off his sweater. 

The black knit turns inside out, a white undershirt she hadn’t known about coming with it. What’s left is Ben. 

And scars. 

A gruesome Y-shaped one takes up the whole of his massive chest. 

It’s thick and sunken. Pink, almost like the raw, bloody marks she’s seen in horror movies and procedural crime shows. In cadavers that were cut open, carved out. 

It hits her, a fraction of a second later, that there’s no _almost like_ about it. That that is likely _exactly_ what had happened. He’d been a cadaver. Or, parts of him had. A body—bodies—picked apart, pieced together. Dead once, brought back to life. 

Life. 

He’s alive. 

And here with her. 

The space between them isn’t space at all. Rey moves closer. Carefully, knowing how important this moment is, she places her fingers on his chest, above each marked pectoral. Ben tenses under her. As he does, Rey leans forward to kiss his scar. 

Right at the center, at the intersection of the Y. 

Breath shudders out of him at her touch. Then it hitches back in, the precursor to a sob. His sternum shakes. Rey kisses him again. 

She rises, straining higher on her knees so her mouth can follow the thick line of it, up to and around his neck. His skin is slick under her, damp with sweat, flushed with heat. His pulse thumps wildly against her lips. 

“I love you,” she says into him. She kisses his neck again. “ _I love you._ ” 

Ben collapses, head bending down, like he’s blown back by the weight of her words. 

Rey sinks, wrapping her arms around him, bare skin—bare chest—tucked tightly against his. Her cheek presses over his heart. 

Ben’s arms jerk forward, then drop, fingers clenched at his sides. 

Rey inhales deeply, pulling back—just enough to kiss him again. 

Above his heart, then up. To the rope suturing his shoulders. The circle around his neck. To each of them. All of them 

She kisses every last one of his scars. 

She drifts, following them down. 

When she reaches the tops of Ben’s pants, skimming over his belt loops, he doesn’t flinch. Doesn’t tense. 

Perhaps because he already is, and has—is as stiff now as he could possibly be. 

Pointedly, Rey ignores the horrible, lust-filled part of her that fixates on that stiffness. Because this—what’s happening, it isn't about that. Not really. Not yet. 

Softly, fingers poised over the button of his fly, she asks, “Is this okay?” 

Ben shakes, dazed, as if stepping out of a trance. His voice is low. Rasped. “I can—I can do it.” 

Rey smiles, reassuring, and leans back, giving him a moment. While she does, she takes off her pants, too. Peels off her jeans, her underwear. Her socks. 

Looks up. Sucks in a breath. 

Ben’s cock is hard and thick and flushed, right there and bared before her. Larger than she thought possible. Than she’s seen before. 

Of course it is. It would be. Big. As large as the rest of him. 

Saliva floods her mouth. 

She can feel the hair rise on her arms, the nape of her neck. How the heat from the fire flares, and spreads—warmth outside, inside, and all around her. 

She ignores it, and the way her sex throbs, rising to her knees. With substantial effort, she moves her gaze to his legs. 

His thighs are tensed. Thick and muscular. A patchwork of mismatched skin, dark hair, scars. 

She drags her nails up his calf, above his knee, to a scar near the apex of his thigh. Bends down to kiss it, dimly aware of what she’s doing. How it looks. How many scars she’s passed to get there. How very, achingly close her head is to his— 

_“Wait._ ” 

She does, hovering inches above him. 

Both of her hands are curled in the blankets, her hair dangling, skimming over his left thigh. 

Ben’s eyes are as wide as she’s ever seen them. 

“Could we just—” He stops. Squirms, shifting under her—but not in a good way. Not in the way that she feels. “Could we just—touch? Can you just—” Again, he stops. 

A horrible grimace steals across his face. His eyes fall to the ground. 

Rey sits up, all thoughts of sex leaving her mind. She touches his shoulder. “We can do whatever you want. _Whatever_ you want, I mean it. You just have to tell me, okay?” 

Ben swallows. His voice, when he speaks again, wavers. Teeters on the edge of breaking. “Could you—can you just hold me?” 

A wash of love. A flood of it. 

She bursts. 

“ _Of course_ ,” she says, practically falling over herself. “Of course I can, Ben.” 

She moves behind him and wraps her arms around his chest, as far as she can reach. 

Ben shudders under her. 

Rey grips him tighter. It’s like her heart is out of her chest and everywhere they’re touching. Like it doesn’t belong to her anymore. Never has. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben says. “I want to, I do, but—” 

“Don’t be sorry,” Rey soothes. “Oh, honey **,** don’t be sorry. We don’t need to rush. I’m not going anywhere. You have me.” 

“I love you,” Ben whispers. He sucks in a hiccuping breath. “I don’t know how you can love me, but I love you.” 

Rey presses her cheek into his back. Eyes closed, nose squished against him. 

Loving him is easy. The easiest thing she’s ever done. 

Allowing herself to be loved? That’s different. Harder. 

But she’s trying, and she can tell he’s trying, too. 

Her arms constrict around him, almost painful and not enough. “I love _you_ , Ben. All of you. I’m so lucky to know you. To be loved by you.” 

Ben’s chest caves in. He shakes, trembling in her arms. 

She holds him. 

“Can I see you, Ben? Will you let me see you?” 

He attempts to swallow another hiccuping sob and doesn’t quite manage it. “Y-yes.” 

Slowly, Rey crawls around to his front. His dick is hard and thick between them. It’s not even a thought. She strains, reaching up to the mangled scar on his face. “I love you,” she says again. A promise. The truth. “I _love_ you.” 

“I love you, too,” he says again, clumsily. “I don’t know _how—_ how you could love me.” His face crumples, like her touch has permitted him to let go. “A part of me w-was still so scared. Even now. I didn’t doubt you, but I—I—it was so hard for me to—” 

“Fear ignores logic.” Her thumbs sweep, wiping away tears. “It’s not your fault. None of it is your fault, Ben.” 

His head falls to the crook of her neck. 

Her arms wrap around his shoulders, as far as they can. Tears trail down her collarbone, and the rough skin of his facial scar rubs against her neck, and Rey’s heart breaks for him. Breaks for him and heals itself, twisting in turn. 

That he feels this way about himself. That he trusts her enough to be vulnerable with her. To let her in. 

She runs her hands through his hair. “I’m here,” she repeats, without really knowing why. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll never leave you.” 

Ben sniffles into her neck. 

When he pulls back a minute later, his eyes are shiny, red-rimmed. 

Her smile is tremulous as she takes him in. She kisses him on each cheek. 

She hadn’t thought it possible to love another person this much. 

Ben stares at her, wondering and wanting. Like he can’t figure her out—but like he can, at least now, recognize the love in her eyes. 

“Can we go to sleep?” he asks. His voice is wrecked from crying. 

He looks exhausted. 

She feels the same. 

“Of course, honey,” she says. She gestures to their blankets. “Lay down, I’ll hold you.” 

“You will?” 

“If you’d like. If you want.” 

“I do,” he says. 

“Then, yes,” she says. “I will.” 

As she curls up behind him, spooning him, hardly coming midway up his spine, she whispers into his back. “You deserve the things you want, Ben. I’ll give them to you if I can.” 

Eventually, his breathing evens. He slips into sleep. 

She holds him for the entire night. 

  
  
  
  
  


When Rey wakes, sunlight is filtering through the blinds, flooding the cabin with a soft, hazy light. She turns, blinking. Her skin is pricked with a chill, the covers bunched at her feet. Ben is not in her arms. 

This, she comes to discover after a jerking moment of distress, is because he’s above her. Propped on his elbow, staring down at her. 

She relaxes. 

“G’morning,” she says, smiling at him widely if blearily. She stretches, squinting, adjusting to the bright morning light. 

Ben is still naked. 

His eyes are on her, soft and intent. That familiar emotion is there and shimmering, but now—she recognizes it. Knows exactly what it is. 

“Good morning, Rey.” 

“I love you,” she blurts out. 

Ben smiles, flashing a crooked bicuspid. He bends to kiss her forehead, lips lingering. She can feel his breath on her skin. “I love you, too.” 

A laugh burbles out of her and flows into a grin. She rubs at her face. Her cheeks almost hurt. 

Ben lifts his hand, his finger brushing the skin next to her eyes. The crinkles there, the smile lines forming. Delicately, he traces again, brows furrowed, concentrating. 

“You do know I want you, right?” he asks. 

It knocks what little breath she’d inhaled right out of her lungs. “What?” 

“You’re precious to me, Rey. All I think about. I think I dreamed about you before I met you. A part of me can’t believe I’m not dreaming now.” 

Her mouth goes slack as Ben’s fingers trail down her cheekbone. 

The position, his words, his naked chest— 

Her heart, it’s beating. 

“You’re not dreaming,” she says, voice raspy, thick. “We just woke up.” 

The undamaged side of his mouth quirks. He cups her cheek. “I don’t want you to think I don’t want you. I don’t want you to think it’s you.” 

“I don’t.” 

“You’re beautiful,” he continues, like she hadn’t spoken. “Far more beautiful than I deserve.” 

“Hey—” 

“I know,” he says, with a gentle pressure to her cheek. “I know. I won’t say it again. I just—I _do_ want to be with you, Rey. I want to be intimate with you.” 

“I’ve been more intimate with you than any partner I’ve ever had.” 

“You know what I mean,” he sighs. 

“And I mean what I said.” 

Ben frowns. “Sex, I mean. I want to have sex with you.” 

“Great,” Rey says. “I want to have sex with you, too.” 

Ben shakes his head at her, exasperated, like she’s tripping him up and doing it on purpose. But she’s not. She isn’t. She means what she says. 

Her head tilts, challenging. 

Ben responds, moving forward bravely, opening himself again. “I—I wouldn’t know where to start. I don’t have any memory of—doing something like that. Not like you do.” He pauses, blushing. “I wouldn’t know what to do.” 

Rey leans up, so slow and deliberate that her abs start to burn with it. 

Ben doesn’t try to stop her. His hand is still pressed to her cheek. 

“I can show you what to do,” she says. Her voice comes out lower, smoother. Her hand trails down his pectoral, hardly touching him. “We can figure it out together.” She looks up at him. “Would you like that?” 

Breathless, Ben nods, his eyes never leaving hers. 

Heat pools low in her belly. Anticipation that feels like a promise. 

“Ben?” she asks. 

“Yes?” 

“I’m going to try to seduce you again. Is that okay?” 

From her periphery, she can see his cock stir, moving at her words. 

“Yes,” he says again, hardly audible. 

Rey draws her lower lip between her teeth. Lets it snag. Pull. Ben stares, transfixed. 

Her pointer finger moves, circling his nipple. Closer, closer, careful not to touch. “I think about you, too, you know,” she murmurs. 

His Adam’s apple moves in his throat. “You do?” 

“Oh, yes.” Another circle, closer now. His nipple hardens without her even having to touch it. “All the time, it seems like. Maybe as often as you’ve thought about me.” Another circle, almost there. “More, perhaps.” 

Dazedly, Ben says, “What did—what did you think? About me.” 

His question—Rey nearly beams. _Good_ , she wants to say. 

And then realizes she can. 

“About how _good_ you are, and make me feel.” 

He sways slightly toward her. 

“I think other things, too,” she says. She drags her nail lightly over Ben’s nipple. Lowly, he moans. 

More heat pools. A rush, warming. 

“Would you like to hear them?” 

_“Yes.”_

The way he’s talking—he sounds close to undone, and Rey’s legs rub together. They haven’t even started. 

“I think about how big you are,” she says, leaning over him. Her hands settle, one on each thigh. “How _strong_.” Muscle bunches under her as her fingers glide further up. “And also gentle. How much care you take with me. I feel like someone worthy of love when you touch me.” 

“You _are_ ,” he says, the words forceful and earnest. So sincere. 

Coarse hair brushes her fingers. “Can I make you feel that way, Ben?” Her hand hovers—an almost. “Can I touch you like that?” 

Ben whimpers. “Please.” 

“ _Good_ ,” she says. “I’m going to make you feel so good, Ben. Would you like that?” 

Another nod. 

“I’d like to kiss you now. Make you come with my mouth. Would you like that too?” 

His pupils have expanded past the point of blackness. Desire holds him like a drug. 

“We can stop at any time,” she assures him. 

Ben swallows. “I don’t want you to stop. I want to feel—I want to feel your mouth.” 

“You will,” Rey smiles. And then she looks down. 

Focuses her complete attention, for the first time, between his legs. 

His cock is fully hard. 

Without the slightest touch or coaxing. From anticipation alone. 

Something in Rey throbs. Wanting. Hungry. 

He is fully hard, and huge. 

Somehow, impossibly, larger than she remembers from the night before, from every time she’d woken with him pressed up behind her. But the light doesn’t lie. This isn’t a memory. 

His cock is the length of her forearm, thick and uncut. 

Rigid, straining, twitching against his stomach. 

Rey’s hand wraps around the base of his shaft, brushing coarse pubic hair. Her fingers don’t quite touch. 

Ben goes stock-still. 

Her hand strokes firmly, and a whine edges out of his throat. Rey savors the sound. Savors the feel of him. How fitting it is—such softness wrapped around iron heat. 

She strokes again. 

Precum beads at his tip, leaking, wet and messy. Rey leans forward to clean him up. 

She licks a soft stripe over his slit. Tentative, almost kittenish. Ben _groans_. A low, guttural noise that has Rey preening, shivering. Wetness pools between her legs. 

She guides the fat, blunt head of his cock to her mouth. 

Her lips strain, struggling to accommodate him, cunt aching in sympathy. Jealousy. Ben’s hands scrabble for their sheets. 

She leads another careful inch of his cock inside. Flicks at the underside of it with her tongue. She can _feel_ him hardening further. Feel the blood rushing to him, the veins along his length pulsing, wanting. 

She hollows her cheeks and sucks. 

Salt hits her tongue in jets. 

Muscle shifts in Ben’s arms. His jaw. Ripples, almost breaking. His eyes are closed. He doesn’t move an inch. 

Neither does Rey. 

His spend coats her mouth. 

She maintains suction, mouthing around the fat, flushed head of him, nearly choking on his cum. 

Ben opens his eyes, shaking as Rey releases his cock, guiding it from her mouth, careful not to make a mess. She swallows, eyes watering, and his mouth goes slack 

He looks, vaguely, poleaxed. 

Rey smiles. “Thank you.” 

His brows twitch, pulling together. His breath comes in short bursts. 

“For trusting me,” she says, answering his unasked question. “For letting me bring you to that point.” 

“I _do_ trust you,” he says. He inhales, shaky at first, then deeply. A determined look steals over his face. “Can I, then?” 

Her smile falters. “What?” 

“Kiss you,” he says, earnest, and looks between her legs. 

Affection for him flares in a white-hot burst. 

She climbs into his lap, straddling his thigh, grabs him by the face and kisses him. Quick, bruising. 

When she pulls back, he attempts to follow her, hypnotized. 

“Soon,” she promises, and kisses him again. “Soon.” 

He blinks, fighting for focus. “But I want you to feel good, too,” he insists. 

Rey beams. She threads their fingers together, savoring the familiar rightness of it, before she brings them up between their chests. 

“You will,” she says, and guides his pointer finger to her mouth. 

Ben sucks in a breath as she coats his finger. Rocks on his massive thigh. She unclasps their hands, then takes a second finger into her mouth, too. Grazes him with her teeth. 

A pop, wet and sloppy, sounds between them as she releases him. Ben follows her every movement, mesmerized, eyes dilated. 

“Would you like to help me, Ben?” 

“I’ll do anything for you,” he says. She thinks he means it. 

“I want you to put your fingers inside me. Stretch me, make me ready for you.” 

Ben draws in air through his nose. He looks down at her cunt, where she’s dragging it against his thigh, squirming without even realizing it. 

She leans back, shifting so he can see her. With a look of intense concentration, Ben guides his fingers down, brushing her lips. His fingertips dip between them, hesitantly, testing. The lightest touch. 

He gasps. “You’re so wet.” 

“Mm-hmm,” she says. 

“And hot,” he adds. 

Something prods, just nudging at her entrance. Teasing, the promise of more. 

But more doesn’t come. 

He eases his finger around her hole, hardly entering her. Not even the first knuckle. 

Rey squirms. She feels desperate. Hollow. 

She’s not prone to inaction. 

Steadying him, grabbing him by the hand, she sinks onto his fingers. 

The blissful intrusion, the feeling of fullness—she sighs. Her cunt clamps around him, pulling him deeper, wanting more. 

Ben chokes. “I can feel—I can _feel_ you. Throbbing. _Clenching_.” 

She braces her forehead against him, nodding into his chest. “It’s because I want you so much. Can you—can you move your fingers? Hook them?” 

“Like this?” Ben asks, and Rey twitches, skin prickling. 

Another curl, and she hums, whining. A soft keening sound. “Like that,” she says. “Good, yes. Exactly like that.” 

“You’re stretching,” he says, with an air of wonder. Fascination. 

“Mm-hmm,” she whines. He’s so large, and inside of her. He’s going to be so large inside of her. 

She places two fingers on his pectoral. “Can you—can you take your fingers and—” she spreads her fingers, gradual, contracting, “—can you do that for me?” 

Her breath hitches sharply at his first sudden movement, and Ben stops. Halts. Completely and immediately. 

She looks up to alarm on his face. 

“No, no, it’s good,” she assures him, and means it. At this point, anyway. There isn’t even a twinge of pain. 

“Are you sure?” he asks, chest heaving. 

“ _Yes_.” She grabs his hand again as if to show him. She moves, rocking herself down on it. Fucking herself, really. 

Ben watches her, captivated, his arousal evident. Jutting once more against her thigh. 

Hesitantly, his fingers flex in her again. Stretching her, prepping her for what’s to come. 

His cock. Inside her. 

She wants it so much. 

Her lips slide against his chest. “I want to make love to you now, Ben. I’m ready. Do you want to?” 

“I—I do,” he pants. 

“Good,” Rey says, climbing off of him. 

But as soon as they uncouple, his self-doubt returns. “Are—are you sure?” he says urgently. “Are you sure you’re ready? That I won’t hurt you?” 

She should never stop touching him. 

She cups his cheeks. Kisses him. “I’m ready, Ben. I’ve never wanted anyone this much.” 

His tension drains away. His hands settle on her hips, her wetness trailing slick against her left side. 

“Okay,” he says, somewhat raggedly. 

Rey leans up and pecks him on the mouth. Then she stays up, leveraging her legs around his waist, wrapping her fingers around the thick length of his cock. She hovers. Angles him closer, not quite touching. 

In, out, she takes a breath. 

And Ben’s panic spikes again. “I’m too big, Rey. What if I hurt you?” 

“You’re not,” she assures him. “You won’t. You helped, remember? We can do this. I’m ready for you now.” 

“You’re _lovely_. Perfect. But I’m too—”  
  
“Perfect,” she says, tightening her grip on his cock, cutting him off. “You’re too perfect.” 

Ben shudders. Pleasure, anticipation, something slightly unhinged—it all ripples through him. And her, too. 

But he—might be right. 

He _is_ large. He _might_ be too much. More than she can take. More than she ever has before. 

“I want to try, Ben.” She meets his eyes. “But we can also try another time. I love you. Nothing will change that.” 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he pants. 

“You won’t.” 

“I could.” 

“You _won’t_. I promise. I’ll tell you if you do.” 

“I–okay,” he says, exhaling. Inhaling. “If you’re sure.” 

“I am.” She nods, hand flexing over his length, soothing. When a thought occurs to her, a way to break the tension, she doesn’t fight it. She grins, shifting up and over him. “Is this your way of getting me to beg for your cock, Ben? Because I will, you know. I want it so bad.” 

Ben sputters. 

“I want it inside me. Want it to fill me up, stretch me out, make me feel _so_ good.” She pulls her lip between her teeth. Ben’s eyes darken, clouding over with lust. “Can I have it? Please?” 

Sincerely, voice rough, he says, “Every part of me is yours.” And then, “Yes. You can have it.” 

“I love you,” Rey says. “So much.” 

And then she sinks onto him. 

His blunt tip nudges at her entrance. Pushes, straining. Fat and achingly big. 

Gravity and want work, and his head slips, notching inside her. 

Rey lets out a gasp. A spark shoots through her, catching, stoked and thick. 

The fire burns. Wants more. 

She sinks further down, another impossible inch of him notching inside her. Piercing. Stretching. She feels full. Seconds from bursting, like she’s too much for her body, like his cock might split her in two.  
  
She takes more of him, toes curling with it, an agonizingly slow descent. 

Ben wheezes. His hands ball into tight fists. Clench, white-knuckled at his sides, and a sound escapes his throat. A whine of pleasure-pain. 

Except—no. 

It’s not his throat. Not his noise. 

It’s _hers_. 

Rey keens, working herself up and over him. Sweat beads at her temples and along her lower back. Her fingers dig into his bicep, bracing, attempting to ease the straining in her thighs. 

She feels full. Almost complete. 

Like everything else has been pushed out of her. Every thought, every care—everything but him. Her and him. The tight stretch of her cunt. The hard length of his cock. 

It’s still not all of him. 

“Ben,” she keens, tears leaking from her. She begs now, in earnest. “ _Ben_ , please.” 

She can hear his teeth grind together. He’s shaking. 

Shaking and solid and falling apart. 

They’re so close. 

“Touch me. Please touch me, Ben. _Please_.” She doesn’t recognize her voice, the desperation and the need. “I want you to touch me. I want you to—” 

“I _can’t_ ,”Ben cries. His eyes clench tightly shut. 

“You _can_ ,” she coaxes. “Please. Please, Ben. You won’t hurt me. I _need_ you to touch me.” 

He hisses through his teeth, like he’s in pain. Like he’s holding on by his fingertips. 

He lets go of the cliff. 

His hand rises to her neck. Cups it, fingers curled around it. It’s a delicate gesture, gentle, like he’s holding a flower—its petals—something that might wilt and bruise. 

She’s not going to bruise. 

Or perhaps she _wants_ to bruise. 

“Harder, Ben. Harder. I need you,” she whines. His nostrils flare. “Harder. Please help me.” 

His fingers curl, sharp points digging into the nape of her neck, as hard as he’s ever touched her. As hard as she wants him to. 

It’s overwhelming. Like she’s caught, lost to it and trembling as an intoxicating wave of pleasure surges through her and radiates out. Her every nerve ending is paralyzed. _Singing_. 

Ben thrusts up, holding her firmly by the scruff of her neck, and the rest of his cock sinks inside of her. 

Rey cries out, speared, flush against him. She sobs in relief. 

Flooded, writhing, her lips fall to his scar. His skin. It’s sweat-slicked, trembling, exactly like her own. 

“We did it,” she mouths, kissing him. “We did it.” 

“I love you,” Ben says. His grip on her loosens, his fingers gentling. 

She strains upward, then sinks back, fucking herself on him. 

Ben chokes. His grip tightens reflexively, blissfully at her neck, and her eyes flutter closed. 

Sensation takes hold. The burning in her thighs, the nerve endings singing in her skin. The pleasure building like a vice, tight and almost painful. 

This feeling—it’s too much. Not something that is possibly meant to be contained. 

Ben’s free hand splays over her lower back. 

Rey whines, thighs shaking. Muscles straining. She staggers, unable to keep up. Maintain the pace. 

So Ben takes over. 

He clutches at her hip. Lifts her like she’s nothing, then lowers her back down. 

“Darling,” he groans as his cock slides in and out of her. “Darling. My heart.” 

Rey moans. Babbles something back to him, utter nonsense. 

It’s getting harder to see. Harder to think straight. 

She squeezes, flexing around him, and rubs at her clit. 

The pressure, the firm touch—it’s all she needs. Her climax snaps, bowling her over. 

Sends her up and everywhere, her mouth open, working around nothing. A silent, toe-curling scream. 

The wave, the rippling tide of it—it takes Ben, too. 

One more stuttering thrust, and he spends, pulsing inside of her as her name spills from his lips, over and over, in a way she’s never heard before. A way it’s never been said before. Prayer, chant, answer. 

After forever and too short a time, Rey climbs off of him, then flops back to the rug. 

Her ears ring. She feels out of her body. 

Can hardly feel the semen dripping down her thighs. 

With the care he usually takes with her, Ben wipes it up. His fingers, when he draws them away, are wet. Shiny with their shared fluids. 

He holds them up to his face, studying them, like it’s an act of monumental discovery. Like he’s marveling over it. It’s lewd and lovely. Inexplicably wonderful. 

“You’re wonderful,” she says. 

Ben smiles, bashful, and Rey doesn’t know if she’s ever loved him more. 

She holds out her arms. “Hug me?” 

Affection comes off him in waves. He settles over her, on top of her, bracing most of his weight. Still, it’s enough. 

He presses into her. Holding her tightly, bringing her home. 

She’s holding him, too. 

She’s never letting go. 

  
  
  
  
  


**  
**

An indeterminable time later, Ben leans up on his elbow. 

They need food, and she desperately needs a shower, but neither of them move. They’re naked. Languid with it. Rey thinks she could live here like this. 

Ben’s hand lights on her forehead, fingers soft and confident and impossibly gentle as they trace a lingering line across her brow bone. Another delicate sweep, and he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. 

Rey can’t remember ever feeling this happy. 

This precious and wanted and _loved_. 

She hadn’t known the feeling would grow. No one had told her. In all she’d heard, all she’d watched—she’d come to know love as something that was highly, immensely sought after but static. A thing to be obtained. 

You had love, were worthy of love, or you did not. Were not. 

But this? What they’re sharing? It’s the farthest thing from fixed. 

Her love grows. Expands as he looks at her. 

Swells and swells until she thinks she might break with it. 

Ben looks like he might be breaking, too. And then he begins to speak.  


“She is coming, my own, my sweet;  
Were it ever so airy a tread,  
My heart would hear her and beat,  
Were it earth in an earthy bed;  
My dust would hear her and beat,  
Had I lain for a century dead,  
Would start and tremble under her feet,  
And blossom in purple and red.” 

Rey is practically vibrating. She’s grinning, smiling wider than she thought possible. “Ben, did you write me a _poem_?” 

Ben blushes beet red. “No.” 

“You _did_.” She beams. “You wrote me a _poem_.” 

“No,” he says, flustered. Flushing adorably. 

“A _love_ poem.” 

“I didn’t—I mean, that’s not—I didn’t write that. It’s by Lord Alfred Tennyson.” He looks at her shyly, and says, “My poem for you isn’t ready yet. But it will be. Soon.” 

She has. She’s burst. 

This is the after. 

“I love you,” she says. 

“I know you do,” he smiles, still a little shyly, and more than a little pleased. 

“I love you today and every day,” she declares. 

“I know that, too.” He smiles. Pauses. “If I make you breakfast, will you step outside with me after to look at the snow?” 

Rey presses her lips together and hums a little, feigning consideration. “How about this—I’ll step outside with youfirst, and _then_ you can make me breakfast.” 

Ben huffs, charmed. “How generous of you.” 

“I’m very generous. Kind, too.” 

Ben helps her to her feet. Momentarily, she feels a bit bow-legged. Wobbly, legs almost too spongy to hold her. 

After a second, though, she adjusts. She throws on her clothes from the previous night, wrestling her jeans back from Mitaka’s fat, fluffy form where he’d apparently been the whole time, sitting and watching them four feet away. At the coat rack, she grabs her winter things, then ducks through the door as Ben holds it open for her. Together, they walk out to their small, overhanging porch. 

It’s a mask of white. 

The air is fresh and cold and wonderful. Snow falls in thick, fluffy flakes. 

It’s like nothing she’s ever seen before. Not the scant few inches that used to fall in North Carolina and shut down the half of the state, but _snow_. Actual snow.  
  
“It’s beautiful,” she sighs. 

“It is,” Ben agrees with overwhelming sincerity, staring down at her. His meaning is all too clear. 

Rey rolls her eyes and nudges him on the arm, pleased beyond words. 

“Would you like to go for a walk?” Ben asks. He smiles down at her, expectant, and again, Rey loves him so much. More, somehow. Impossibly. 

“Yes,” she says. Then she frowns down at her leather slippers, wiggling her toes. “But I’m not wearing my boots.” 

“That’s okay,” Ben says, and that’s all the warning she gets before he lifts her into his arms. A startled, adrenaline-laced shriek rips from her throat, and her arms wrap around his neck. Ben smiles as widely as she’s ever seen him. “I’m wearing mine.” 

Rey giggles helplessly. The sound is infectious. Ben laughs, too. 

He cradles her against his chest and steps off of the covered porch into the wide expanse of white. 

They’re both laughing. 

Snow falls down. 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cannot believe this monster-of-a-thing is almost finished. 
> 
> shoutout to [jane](https://twitter.com/janedazey), not only for her wonderful input & support throughout this entire story, but for the poem you see here. she quoted it to me off the top of her head several weeks ago, and i about died.
> 
> more mushy thoughts coming in the epilogue—as well as a few answers. hoping to post it in a day or two. 
> 
> would love to hear your thoughts below!! if you'd like to continue reading on twitter, you can click [here](https://twitter.com/AllFrak/status/1289208299888340994?s=20).


	8. Husband

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> epilogue epilogue

**144.**

That place and digital space in 2019. 

  
  
  
  


**145.**

  
  
  
  


**146.**

After a long winter, and news of Snoke's death, Rey breathes even easier. That kernel inside her shrinks even smaller.

They move to another of Maz's cabins—larger, with modern amenities, including an Alaskan king size bed.

And there, slowly, she begins to make.

  
  
  
  


**147.**

Ben makes, too.

One poem. Another.

A book.

  
  
  
  


**148.**

And when it's safe, they make a purchase. (Or four.) 

And Rey makes a call. (Or two.)

  
  
  
  


**149.**

They write their way forward. 

Together.

  
  
  
  


**150.**

The beginning is always today. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINISHED FINISHED FINISHED FINISHED
> 
> she's complete. somehow. i don't know how. 
> 
> i know i said i'd write something in the epilogue (mushy thoughts, i think i said?), but i'm afraid i've used up all my words/communication tools for now. 
> 
> i may write more here later, but until then: big hugs. lots of love. 💖💖


End file.
